It's often the most dreaded part of a teacher's job—dealing with difficult parents. When you have "that parent" it's so easy to just avoid picking up the phone to make a call home. It doesn't seem worth it. Death and public speaking are counted among people's greatest fears. Many educators would add calling an angry parent to the list.
It's especially true for those new to the profession, even though I think all teachers struggle with this to an extent. Most people don't enjoy dealing with negative emotions or unreasonable expectations. But avoiding the problem won't make it go away.
But the right approach can make working with any parent a more positive experience. And if you win the parents' support, it will make your job so much easier and help the child be more successful. Here are 11 ideas for making parent interactions more productive.
1. Be Proactive
Don't wait until there is a problem before you start to build a relationship with parents. Reach out to them and let them know that you are committed to helping their child succeed. If certain parents are known to be critical or unreasonable, communicate early and often to prevent misunderstandings and build some positive feelings. Rik Rowe has been a leader in promoting #GoodCallsHome on Twitter. The idea is to make regular phone calls to share good news with parents. Then if there is a problem, it won't be the first time you've called.
2. Find Common Ground
When having a difficult conversation with a parent, do everything you can to establish shared purpose. Parents want their kids to be successful and so do you. Focus on how the problem is impacting their child, not how it's impacting you, the classroom, or other students. While those are all important areas of concern for you, parents tend to focus on the success of their child. Let the parents know you want to work with them to address the issue.
3. Focus on the Positive
Every kid has positive qualities that need to be recognized. It's important to focus on these first in communicating with parents. It takes several positive comments to overcome one negative one. It's also important to focus on communicating positive intentions. Work together with the parent to establish some improvement goals that will benefit the student.
4. Listen
When difficult conversations turn to damaging conversations, it's usually because the school is more interested in being right than trying to understand the perspective of the parent. LISTEN. Don't be quick to judge. Be curious. What is eliciting this idea or emotion from the parent? Show you are listening by paraphrasing what the parent is saying before you add something new. Ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand.
5. Show How Much You Care
When parents know how much you care about their child, it builds trust and makes the teacher and parent relationship stronger. You can show how much you care by getting to know your students, taking an interest in their activities and hobbies, and making extra efforts to help them. Parents know you care when they feel you completely, and unconditionally accept their child and want what's best for him or her.
6. Don't Lose Your Empathy
Even when parents are angry, demanding, and unreasonable, commit to keep your mindset in a place of empathy. Don't take the negative emotion personal. It's not about you. Even if it is, it's not helpful to take it personally. Strong emotions are often elicited because parents want the best for their kids. Sometimes, the parents are dealing with other trauma or hardship and the frustrations of life get released on you. Not fun. But stay with empathy. It's tough to be a parent, especially when life is painful and filled with hardship.
7. Stay Firm
Just because you start and end with empathy doesn't mean you should give in to whatever demands the parent has. Ultimately, you have to make decisions based on your professional experience and what's best for the child. Although parent input is a must, the final decision rests with you. So be firm about what options will work and don't offer something that isn't a wise choice.
8. It's Okay to Negotiate
Although you must be firm on some decisions, it's also okay to negotiate with parents. Some give and take is necessary to maintain a spirit of cooperation. If you turn down every request a parent has they will view you as rigid and uncaring. In education, our end users are the students and parents. We should do everything within reason to ensure they are satisfied and having a positive experience.
9. Ask for Support
One of the best things you can do is share your parent struggles with your principal or a colleague. The can provide support and encouragement to you. And, they may have information to add to the mix to help you understand how to proceed in a situation.
10. Don't Get Backed Into a Corner
It's always best to keep multiple options available and not get backed into a corner. Instead of making promises you may not be able to keep, take a tentative stance that will allow for some wiggle room if you need it. It's always best to underpromise and overdeliver.
Probably the quickest way to get cornered is to say or do something that is disrespectful to the parent or child. Clearly, it's not a good idea to ever act unprofessionally. But it happens. And as soon as the teacher (or principal) has made this mistake, that issue will take center stage over any of the issues that need to be addressed with the student.
11. Set Boundaries
Most parents respect boundaries because they are kind and considerate. But difficult parents can plow through without any concern for you, your classroom, or good manners. When boundaries are crossed, it's important to politely, but directly establish expectations. If you clarify boundaries and still don't get cooperation, you should involve your principal.
I'm a lifelong Kentucky Wildcat basketball fan. Every year I follow the Wildcats and anything short of a national championship is somewhat disappointing. Growing up in Kentucky did this to me. My biggest childhood heroes were all UK basketball greats.
Yesterday, Kentucky coach John Calipari was ejected from the South Carolina game just moments after the opening tip. The Wildcats, who have struggled at times this season, went on to dismantle the Gamecocks 89-62, a convincing road win.
After the game, Calipari tweeted saying he had never been more proud of a team, adding that they don't need him anymore.
Some fans speculated that Cal intentionally got himself tossed from the game to motivate the team. I have no idea if it was on purpose or not, but his post game tweet had me thinking about leadership and empowerment.
How often are school leaders standing in the way of something great? Like Calipari, do we need to get out of the way of our teams? How often are we making decisions for people that they could make more effectively on their own? And how often do we hesitate or say no because there might be some risk in saying yes? Something could go wrong.
There are all kinds of reasons leaders get in the way of their teams. But in general, a micromanaging leader is usually one who is either arrogant, afraid, or both. Giving power away and allowing followers to choose their path takes faith and trust. But only when the team is empowered can the full capacity of the organization be known.
If we want schools where teachers are making the greatest impact, we must give them the opportunity to make more decisions and have more autonomy. Teachers understand better than anyone the challenges in classrooms, and they also have the power to address these challenges like no one else.
So let's be clear. Leadership is not coercion or control. It is service and support. I challenge you to get out of the way. And, of course, you don't have to get thrown out of the game to empower your team!
I was thrilled to attend my first METC (Midwest Education Technology Community) conference, and it was a great experience. We took a team of six from our school, and I think everyone felt it was very beneficial. We really enjoyed sharing what we learned in the different sessions and dreaming about new possibilities for our students and school. Now it's time to take action!
Although the conference had incredible information on a variety of digital tools, the ideas on leadership and change were outstanding. As principal, it's very important to me that we provide the leadership and support to see technology efforts thrive, and ultimately to have the best learning environment for students. Here are 17 ideas I can take with me from this conference.
1. If students leave school less creative or curious than when they came, we have failed them. -George Couros
Creativity and the desire to learn should be top priorities as outcomes for schooling. And yet, those aspects of learning have not been emphasized in most cases. Student achievement on standards has taken priority over developing passionate learners.
2. Technology in the hands of an innovative teacher is transformational.
Technology is not optional. Students are going to need to use tech in creative and powerful ways to create the greatest value now and in the future. But technology alone is not enough. Teachers must use their professional skills to use technology to increase learning.
3. Isolation is the enemy of improvement. Sharing is learning.
One of the best ways for new ideas to emerge and then spread is by teachers sharing with each other. The best voice for change is a teacher for whom a change or idea is working for them.
4. Help students be problem finders.
Take problem solving a step further. Let your students have experience identifying problems themselves. When students identify problems, they will have greater investment in finding solutions.
5. Innovation starts and ends with empathy.
Students will be better at finding problems when they start with empathy. When they understand how someone is suffering or how something isn't working—when they really feel the need—then they will begin to innovate and use their talents to find ways to make the world better.
6. If you want to be a master teacher, you need to be a master learner. -George Couros
It's time for all teachers to take charge of their own professional development. Professional learning shouldn't be the obligation of the school. Every teacher should try to improve themselves for the good of their students. They should model the type of learning they want from their students.
7. Stop talking about kids as leaders of tomorrow. Our students can be amazing leaders right now.
Even the words "student" and "school" have become associated with hints of passiveness and boredom. We need learners in real situations, demonstrating real opportunities for leadership. Get students into the community. Ask them to make change happen and make the world better now.
8. Learning is messy. Change leadership mirrors this also.
Leaders shouldn't try to control every aspect of learning or change. If we create supportive conditions that value risk-taking and new ideas, learning and change will thrive.
9. Leaders help support what others want to do, not what the leader is pressuring them to do.
I think this is a big statement. Pressure is not an effective strategy. Let's get behind the hopes and dreams of teachers who are doing the work, and help them reach their goals.
10. Start with strengths and build from there.
Is data-driven really code for deficit-driven? No one is inspired by having the weaknesses pointed out. The leaders who inspired us the most, saw our strengths and made us feel 10 feet tall, and then they challenged us to get even better.
11. Make decisions based on the end users (students), not the providers (admin, teachers).
Let's remember that our purpose is helping students reach their dreams. And then let's make decisions that support those dreams. Too many decisions are made based on a narrow view of education and the convenience and comfort of administrators and teachers.
12. If you truly want to empower people, give them power. -Rafranz Davis
It's not enough to talk about empowering others. If people don't have the opportunities of choice and voice, it's going to inhibit change.
13. Don't point out problems unless you are willing to offer solutions or seek answers.
Pointing out problems without being a problem-solver is just blaming and complaining.
14. Trust and relationships are crucial to learning and change.
Relationships, relationships, relationships. It's worth repeating. We must make people our priority. Only when we value people will we see progress. The trust that is established in healthy relationships provides the foundation and safety for giving yourself to a cause.
15. Access is agency.
Access and opportunity go hand-in-hand. When students have access to a connected device, they have the opportunity to make a positive difference, both for themselves and those around them. But, it's a choice. Access provides the opportunity. It doesn't guarantee every student will make great choices, but there is opportunity for learning in that too.
16. Content can change over time but the ability to learn is forever. -George Couros
Maybe learning how to learn should be the greatest desired outcome of schooling?
17. If you aren't facilitating a digitally literate classroom, you are becoming irrelevant.
So much of the way the world gets things done is through digital means. If you aren't embracing this fact in your classroom, you are quickly becoming irrelevant. Our students need to see how technology can help them make an impact in the world. And they need you to model it for them. Be a connected educator.
These ideas represent my notes and takeaways from the conference. Thanks to George Couros, Rafranz Davis, and other presenters for making it a great learning experience.
