Do You Want Your Child to Grow or Do You Want Him to Be Comfortable?

We have a basic speech class that we require just about every student in our school to take. It's not a graduation requirement, but our counselors include this semester class for all sophomores unless there is some compelling reason they just can't fit it into their schedule.

We expect all students to take it because we know how important it is to develop good oral communication skills. The class includes public speaking components, but it also provides practice with interpersonal skills and interviewing. It's essential stuff for life.

You've probably heard it stated that people fear public speaking more than death, in surveys at least. So inevitably, there are students who don't want to take this course. And from time to time, I will here from parents who don't want their child to take the course.

Jerry Seinfeld found the humor in just how much most people dread public speaking:

“According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy."

I get it. Public speaking can produce anxiety, dread, discomfort, apprehension, and more.

As a result, I always listen carefully to parent concerns and try to show empathy and understanding. It can be scary to stand in front of your peers and speak.

But I'm not easily persuaded to change our expectations about students taking this class. It's an excellent opportunity for students to grow and develop all sorts of valuable skills.


So, my dialogue with parents asks them to consider what's best for their child:

"I understand this class makes lots of students uncomfortable. But that can be a good thing because growth requires stepping out of comfort zones. We don't grow stronger by doing what's easy. When we face something hard and push through it, that makes us stronger. So I'm always asking myself as a parent, do I want my kids to be comfortable or do I want them to grow? And the answer, of course, is I want them to grow. Isn't that what all parents want for their kids?"

And of course, parents do want their kids to grow, but for some reason, we've developed a desire in our culture to protect our kids from anything that is uncomfortable or difficult. It's very common to see parents protecting their kids from anything that produces discomfort.

But we can't have it both ways.

Growth demands stretching the limits and trying something new. Growth demands risk of failure. It requires some discomfort. So we need to invite kids to embrace the discomfort. And we need to invite parents to encourage discomfort and not rescue kids from the struggle.

So I will continue to share with everyone in our school my belief that we have to get uncomfortable if we want to be all we can be. We have to push past our fear and go for it.

Do you have tips for helping parents understand that it's not a bad thing for their child to be uncomfortable? That productive struggle is a good thing? I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on or . 

5 Questions Every Kid Is Trying to Answer

When we think about creating a stronger school culture, we know how important it is to focus on relationships. But why are relationships such an important part of an outstanding learning environment? It seems clear when you think about it. Everyone needs to feel connected. Everyone needs to feel like he or she matters. 

Everyone needs to matter!

All. Of. Us.

It's through relationships we create the supportive, inclusive, positive, and caring place we want to see. A place where people can thrive. A place to be great. A place to reach higher and do more.

Students are trying to answer these questions. And adults are trying to answer these questions too. The title of this post might be focused on the kids. But all of the adults in the building have these needs as well. These questions are essential to us all.

1. Am I important to someone here?

2. Do I belong here?

3. Am I good at something here?

4. Who will listen to me here?

5. Is my presence here making a difference?

As we work to improve the culture of learning in our schools, we should always keep these questions in mind. Can students and staff members answer these questions positively and confidently? What are we doing to build stronger connections and take care of each other?

This week every chance you get, look for ways to help others find the answers to these questions. You can show another person they matter to you. You can lift them up and make them feel like they are valued for who they are. You can show them they are heard. You can notice the unique talents and gifts they have to offer the world. You can show them how they are making a difference.

What are ways you are helping your students and your colleagues answer these questions? Who will you lift up this week? Leave a comment below or respond on or . It's always a privilege to connect with you.

Difficulties Make Us Bitter or They Make Us Better

With less than a minute left in the game, we're up by one point and inbounding the ball from under our own basket.

The ref is counting, and it's getting close to a five-second violation.

You'd think a turnover might be the worst thing that could happen here. But you'd be wrong.

Our inbounder senses the need to avoid the 5-count. He throws the ball long, toward the other end of the court. It's a common play, almost a safety valve.

But when our player catches the ball almost without breaking stride he runs for the opponent's basket and lays the ball in the basket effortlessly.

That's right, he scored for the other team.

With less than a minute on the clock. Against one of our biggest rivals.

We went from up one to down one in a flash.

How could this happen?

The large and enthusiastic home crowd went suddenly quiet.

Our coach immediately called timeout. Within seconds, teammates were speaking encouragement to the shocked player. I can't imagine how he felt when he realized what he'd just done. You could see his disappointment.

In the huddle, our coach reminded his team, "Next play. Next play." We always move on to the next play. We don't dwell on our mistakes. We play through our mistakes. We don't blame, or point fingers, or pout, or feel sorry for ourselves.

We move on to the next play...together.

He stayed in the game. Coach didn't take him out.

With only seconds on the clock, we hit a three point shot to put us up by two. But then the opposing team came back and tied the game just before time expired. Unbelievable.

Two overtimes later, our Liberators pulled out the win. And the kid who scored for the other team hit a huge three point shot of his own, at our basket of course.

It's nice that we won. It makes me happy for our kids when we win. But I'm far more concerned that our kids learn to play like winners. And that's what I saw in the finish to this extraordinary game.

Over the years, I've also seen teams that haven't handled adversity well. It never ends well.

Instead of lifting each other up, they bring each other down.

Instead of being unselfish, they put ME before WE.

Instead of accepting their role, they feel sorry for themselves.

Instead of believing in each other, they believe they deserve more.

Instead of supporting the coach, they think they know better.

And it's not true just for sports. It can happen in your school, with your family, or at your church. 

Difficulties can pull us together, or they can tear us apart.

They can make us bitter or they can make us better.

The best people rally together in hard times. They don't panic or act poorly simply because there's adversity. They believe doing things the right way will eventually lead to great things coming your way.

It might not happen in this moment, in this game.

But in life, if you're surrounded by good teammates, you'll never fail alone. Your team will be there to pick you up, even when you score at the wrong basket.

You'll move through the difficulties. You'll learn from them.

And eventually, if you keep doing the things successful people do, you'll give yourself the best chance to be successful.

How are you responding to difficulties? Are they making you bitter or better? I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on  or .