Showing posts with label empathy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label empathy. Show all posts

Friday, August 5, 2022

11 Ways to Increase Hope and Inspiration



When I think about the times in my life I've grown the most or taken next steps or had breakthrough experiences, they almost always happened because hope or inspiration showed up in my life in a profound way. 

Usually, that hope or inspiration was connected to the actions of someone else. Someone lifted me up, inspired me, or provided me with the spark I needed at that time. That's what leaders do. They help you take that next step. They help you find the hope or inspiration to believe something greater is possible.

So I wanted to share a few thoughts on ways to inspire others, some ways to offer hope. If it seems like you've experienced more despair and hopelessness recently, you're not alone. I think that's a common experience for educators right now.

In fact, as I think through this list, I realize how my leadership has fallen short in practicing these behaviors. It's easy to focus on the negative and forget what we can do to meet needs and lift up others. We need to be mindful of how we can help each other and take our important next steps.

11 Ways to Increase Hope and Inspiration


1. Be authentic.

Share your failures and admit your mistakes. Be humble. Be honest about your struggles. As John Maxwell says, "When we share our successes, that may be impressive. But when we share our failures, that's inspiring." Your resilience in the face of setbacks is inspiring to others.

2. Show someone their strengths.

The educators who inspired me the most believed in me the most. They were encouraging to me. They showed me something in myself I didn't see in myself until they came into my life. When someone believes in you, that inspires you and gives you hope.

4. Take productive risks.

No one was ever inspired by someone who was playing it safe or just trying to protect their own comfort. It's inspiring when someone takes a leap, when they just go for it, when they take bold action. You have to be a risk taker to be a difference maker.
"To bring about change, you must not be afraid to take the first step. We will fail when we fail to try." Rosa Parks

5. Demonstrate passion and commitment.

Passion and commitment are evidence of how much you care. When you have strong values and work to protect and defend those values, that inspires. It shows you have a vision and want to create and build something that is worthwhile and important. Your passion is contagious.

6. Grow yourself.

Before you can inspire others to grow, you have to be willing to grow yourself. Be disciplined. Learn something every day. And share your learning with others. Your example will inspire.



7. Stand for something good and selfless.

People are inspired by something bigger than themselves. They want to do something that matters, that makes a difference, that gives their life meaning and significance. When you stand for something noble and upright, others will be inspired to do the same.

8. Listen to understand.

People are inspired and have hope when they feel seen and understood. When people know that you care about their perspective and will listen to their ideas, they will be more open and optimistic about other people's ideas. 

9. Stay calm in the face of adversity.

Inspiring leaders know things are almost never as bad as they seem. And they also know in just about every crisis there are also great opportunities. You'll help others the most when you remain steadfast and unshakable in the midst of a storm.

10. Validate emotions.

I've just learned this in the last few years. Emotions are so important. When we validate someone's experience, that is powerful. It says to them that you care about them. It's tough to have inspiration or hope if you don't feel psychologically safe, if you feel like your feelings don't matter.

11. Be grateful.

Gratitude inspires. Cicero famously observed, "Gratitude is not only the greatest of the virtues, but the parent of all the others." If we want more hope and want to share more hope with others, there may be no better way than with gratitude. Never stop seeing the little miracles all around you. 

What inspires you and gives you hope? How could you take these ideas deeper? Leave a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter. I would love to hear from you.

Wednesday, June 10, 2020

Share Understanding and Spare Pain

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Like many of you, I've had so much on my mind lately. I have several blog posts upcoming that will express more of what I'm feeling. But I wanted to share this quick bit with you. 

If we only read and share things that confirm our current thoughts, feelings, and beliefs...

If we only pursue our own certainty and confirmation of our current way...

If we only listen to the stories of people who are like us...

If we only seek to debate "the others" and don't really listen to them...

If we gather in our tribes and seek opponents instead of allies...

If we dismiss, diminish, deny, or invalidate the pain of others...

If we avoid the things that make us uncomfortable or that are painful...

If we don't question ourselves deeply, our motives, our hearts, our privileged lives...

Then we will never grow, and we will never love more deeply, and we will spread even more pain in this pain stricken world.

How can we develop a spirit of curiosity and empathy for others? Leave a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter. I would love to hear from you.

Tuesday, February 25, 2020

How to Respond When You Feel Disrespected


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Once I was working with an entire class of freshmen at the beginning of a school year, and one of the kids made some kind of wise-guy comment in front of the whole group. I don't remember exactly what he said, but I do remember that I felt a little disrespected.

Another time, I remember a large majority of students were talking and being disruptive and generally not paying attention. Again, I felt like the students weren't showing their full respect.

If you work with teenagers long enough, you’re bound to experience some of these behaviors from time to time.

In each case, the student or students, may or may not have intended to be disrespectful, but that's how it made me feel. That's an important distinction. How you feel, or how it comes across, and what was intended may be two entirely different things. 

The behavior is probably more about the student(s) and their struggle(s) than it is about you as the educator.

So never tell a kid they're being disrespectful. It's not helpful, and you don't know what's in their heart. The behavior may have felt disrespectful to you, and it should be addressed, but do it in the right way.

Here are three steps I use when dealing with anything that makes me feel disrespected.

1. Let them know you're committed to always treat them with the greatest dignity and respect. 

So instead of accusing them of being disrespectful, let them know how much you care. 

"I want you to know I will never intentionally disrespect you. And if I do, I want you to let me know, so I can make it right."

Start with your behavior. Let them know how you will treat them...always. This is something you can say in a private conversation or with an entire group of students. 

I say this with my full heart because I mean it. I pledge my respect with humility and kindness. This is important to me. I want to preserve respect and show students I care.

Of course, you should only say this if you mean it. They will see right through this if you're sarcastic to kids or talk down to them or use disrespectful tactics to control them.

And then follow up with...

"Have I ever been disrespectful to you in any way? I want to know if you feel that way, so we can talk about it."

And then listen. Usually, they just tell me I've never made them feel disrespected. Of course, there have been times when my behaviors felt disrespectful to a student and responding to that with care is important.

2. Ask them about their intentions based on their behavior.

One of the most common problems in classrooms is students don't respond to reasonable requests made by the teacher. And that tends to make us feel ignored and disrespected. Even if you don't feel disrespected, this same conversation can be good reflection to address a non-learning behavior.

So, after you share your own intentions from the first step, address the behavior you observed.

"When you were on your phone today, after I asked you a couple of times to put it away, how did you intend for that to make me feel?"

And then wait...and listen.

Usually, they will say they didn't intend to be disrespectful. They might explain they're having a bad day, or something is going on that was upsetting, or they just made a bad choice in the moment.

Sometimes they will even apologize. 

3. Find a path forward and invite them to commit to a different set of behaviors.

This step is very important. I've noticed educators often describe the behavior they want to stop, but they don't always get the student to commit to doing better. That makes a big difference.

Listen with empathy if they have reasons to explain away their behavior. But then remind them of the expectations.

"I hear you. You have a lot going on. Stuff outside of school is pressing down. You still can't let your schoolwork slide. The expectation in this classroom is your phone won't get in the way of learning."

"Next time, can I count on you to keep your phone from being a distraction? And if I have to address it, can I trust that you will cooperate with me on that?"

Most every time, in my experience, the student will commit to doing better. But I don't stop there.

I want it to be crystal clear what my expectations are. And I want to check in with the student to make sure the expectations are clear to them also. So I follow up with this question.

"I want to make sure we're both on the same page with this conversation. What is your understanding of what we are agreeing to do going forward?"

Sometimes, students don't have the words to summarize the conversation at first, but I help coach them through it until they can verbalize exactly what the expectation is. I want them to be able to say it clearly because I've found that helps them to feel the weight of the commitment to the new behavior.

After they summarize what's been discussed, I ask one more question.

"I hear you saying that you will make sure your phone is not a distraction. And I believe you. I can tell you mean it. But if it continues to be a problem, what do you think should happen?"

They may have some ideas for responding to this and they may not. But I will further clarify the boundary.

"In the future, if your phone is a distraction again, then this is going to happen." Maybe it will be a phone call home to notify parents, or a discipline referral, or the phone will be "parked" each day at the beginning of class. The important part here is that a clear boundary is created and enforced as promised.

At the end of the conversation, I thank them for helping me work through the issue. And I try to find some way to encourage them. I may give them a complement or joke with them in some way.

Oh and by the way, this exact process will work in any relationship you have, not just with kids. The phrasing might be a little different if you're not an authority figure in that person's life, but the general framework remains the same.

1. Focus on your behavior first. What are you committing to? (respect, love, care towards the other person)

2. Clarify intentions. How did you intend for me to feel?

3. Establish boundaries. What are the behaviors needed to make this relationship work?

Because in the end, it's all about healthy relationships.

Was this helpful to you? What are your thoughts? Let me know what you think. Leave a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter.

Tuesday, February 11, 2020

3 Lessons from the Life of Fred Rogers and "It's a Beautiful Day In the Neighborhood"


This past weekend I watched the movie It's a Beautiful Day In the Neighborhood for the second time. Like many educators, I'm a big fan of Fred Rogers. I grew up watching Mr. Rogers. I'm grateful for the impact he had on so many during his lifetime.

While there are countless lessons from his life and from the movie, I wanted to share three things that really stood out to me.

1. "I don't think anybody can grow unless he really is accepted exactly how he is." Fred Rogers

Mr. Rogers loved people. He understood children. He remembered what childhood was like, the good things and the hard things too. He meets them where they are. He is accepting of others. And as a result, he had a tremendous impact on generations of children. All of us as educators should be reminded to accept our students where they are. 

2. When the journalist Lloyd Vogul is introduced to Joanne Rogers, he asks, "How does it feel to be married to a living saint?"

"You know I'm not fond of that term. If you think of him as a saint then his way of being is unattainable," she replies.

"He works at it all the time. It's a practice. He's not a perfect person. He has a temper. He chooses how he responds to that anger."

"It must take a lot of effort," Lloyd said.

"He does things every day that help to ground him. He reads scripture. Swims laps. Prays for people by name. Writes letters, hundreds of them. He's been doing that since I met him."

Developing strength of character is not an accident. It takes intentional effort. It takes practice. Mr. Rogers had a specific routine for strengthening his character. How are you developing your own character and leadership?

3. Fred responds to Lloyd's pointed comment, "Thank you for sharing that perspective."

"I can't imagine it was easy growing up with you as a father," Lloyd admonished.

"Until recently, my oldest never told people about me. He's very private. And that's okay. And my youngest son he genuinely tested me but eventually we found our way and now I'm very proud of both of them. But you are right Lloyd. It couldn't have been easy on them."

And then after he pauses for a moment, Fred continues, "Thank you. Thank you for that perspective."

Fred Rogers is able to acknowledge and even accept the struggles and shortcomings of his own relationships with his sons. That's something Lloyd had failed to come to terms with in his relationship with his own father.

When Lloyd expresses a hard truth of what Fred's sons might have experienced, Fred responds with openness and curiosity. He responds as if this is a valuable insight and not something hurtful or unfair. 

Fred's response causes me to reflect. How can I listen without judgment? When would be a time I might say, "Thank you for sharing that perspective"?

Read More: How Mr. Rogers reminds me of my purpose as an educator and father by Sean Gaillard

Have you seen the movie, "It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood"? What did you think? Did you like it? I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter.

Sunday, February 9, 2020

5 Simple Habits to Build Connection With Your Students


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Creating stronger connections with your students doesn't require grand gestures. But it does require some intentional behaviors on the part of the teacher. It requires taking action.

But these actions can be simple in the sense that they don't require any extra time. But that doesn't mean it's easy. They do require showing up with a certain emotional readiness, and they require making the effort to work at the interactions you're having each day.


"Every interaction is an opportunity 
for building relationships."

For elementary school teachers who see the same kids all day, these things may seem almost too obvious. I don’t know for certain, but I’m guessing these things might be more common in elementary.

But in middle school and high school, where teachers see so many different students each day, and the amount of time is so limited, it seems more likely that these things aren’t prioritized as much as they should be. We might tend to focus our energy on other things, but kids of all ages need us to take the leadership to create a warm classroom environment.

Here are 5 things you can do to build connection. If you already do them, you might try to do them even more, or more effectively. Just writing this post is a reminder to me that I can do better.

1. Smile

Every kid wants to feel like they are important, valued, and loved. They want to feel like they matter and that their teacher likes them. They also want to feel like their teacher enjoys them and enjoys teaching them. So smile. That's one of the best ways you can show warmth and care toward your students. 

But don't be fake about it. Fake smiles don't work. Kids can see right through that. You have to prepare yourself emotionally to be fully ready to teach with your heart. When you arrive for school with a full heart, your smile will shine through.

2. Make eye contact

Lots of kids are hurting or have been hurt, and they're moving through their day with their heads down, avoiding interaction because they either lack confidence or think that someone else will hurt them. But these kids need someone to see them. They need someone to notice them and connect with them eye to eye.

Eye contact lets your students know you have their attention. It shows them you're paying attention to them. When they are speaking, it shows them you're listening to them.

I've found that teachers often think they're making eye contact with their students, but they're speaking in the general direction of the class, or they only make eye contact with one side of the room, or with certain students. 

Search out and find the eyes of all the students in your classroom. Really see them, hear them, and understand them.

3. Call students by name

Dale Carnegie said, "A person's name is to him or her the sweetest and most important sound in any language." When you call your students by name, you are connecting with their identity, their individuality. 

Learn the names of all your students as soon as possible. As a teacher, I would always make it a point to remember names the first day of school. The students would see me struggle, make mistakes, but continue to practice as I went around the room saying their names until I could get them all. 

Make sure you learn to say their names correctly. There were names that were tricky for me over the years. Other people might be able to get them easily, but I had to work at it. I wanted the student to know it mattered to me to say their name correctly, and I would apologize if I didn't get it right.

I think most teachers know it's important to learn student names. But are you intentional about saying the student's name regularly? Do you make it a point to try to say every student's name every time they are in your class? I suspect many teachers are missing lots of opportunities to call students by name.

If a student is in trouble or the teacher needs their attention, you can bet they will hear their name then. But students need to hear their name on a regular basis in each of their classes. They need to know they aren't invisible to you.

4. Say thank you 

While it's great to encourage students with just the right compliment, that's not always easy to do. But it's not difficult to give your students a heartfelt "thank you." Show your appreciation for them. Model the behavior you want to see.

A sincere, heartfelt "thank you" shines your gratitude and appreciation in their direction. It shows them you care. Never, under any circumstances, say thank you in a sarcastic way, "Thank you for finally showing up on time for my class." You'll destroy any connection with that student and create a toxic classroom environment. There's no excuse for biting sarcasm from any educator. 

5. Praise your students

A recent article detailed some of the extraordinary benefits of giving praise to students. The more students were praised, the more engaged they were in their academic tasks. And the more they were scolded, the more they exhibited disengaged, unhelpful behaviors. Praise really works wonders.


I've heard teachers say, "I only want to praise a student when they've done something truly outstanding. I think it lessens the praise if I give it out too freely." Unfortunately, that is a personal preference and not what works best for kids.

Praise even the slightest of improvements. Don't miss a chance to lavish praise on your students. Be generous in your encouragement and affirmation. See the best in each of your students and let them know it. It will give them the confidence to succeed, and they will be forever grateful to you for it.
The person who will influence you the most is the person who believes in you and sees the best in you.
These tips are not difficult. They don't take a lot of time. They just require us to be more intentional. And they're a great start for building those connections. Deeper connection will require even more time, more energy, more conversations, and really getting to know students on a personal level. But you can never go wrong with getting started on the path of connecting with your students.

What are some of your tips for building connection with your students? I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter.

Friday, January 31, 2020

7 Benefits of Apologizing to Your Students


No one is perfect. Not one of us. But if we're not careful, we can fall into the trap of thinking we have to act perfect. 

I find it puzzling how students sometimes have the idea that teachers/principals/educators are somehow above making mistake or should be above making mistakes. 

I remember when I was teaching 9th grade English how students would jump at the chance to point it out if I misspelled a word on the white board, as if I was suddenly an incompetent teacher. They would express shock and dismay that I would make such a mistake.

But without question, I made my fair share of mistakes, and I learned that it was best to admit them and help dispel the myth that teachers don't make mistakes.

But a bigger issue than spelling errors is how we show up in our relationships with our students. And guess what, we're still imperfect. We make mistakes in how we treat others sometimes too. And when we do, the right thing to do, and the most effective thing to do, is to admit our mistakes and apologize for them.

As a principal now, I try to model apologizing to our staff and to our students when I don't meet the mark. I've made more than my share of mistakes. It might be a small thing or it might be something bigger. It might have been overlooked or there might be hurt feelings. Regardless, it's hard to go wrong with a sincere apology.

Here are 7 reasons to apologize or express regret...

1. Shows You're Human

Kids sometimes think their teachers are above making mistakes. But kids need to know we're human too. We are doing the best we can, and we're going to make mistakes. Positive human behavior involves admitting mistakes.

2. Creates a Healthy Example

When students see us apologize and show regret for our actions, it helps them feel more confident to do the same. We get a clearer picture of how things really are when we are honest about our mistakes.

3. Shows Ownership of a Mistake

Students will be more likely to take risks if they know the teacher admits and takes ownership of his or her own mistakes in this classroom.

4. Builds Connection

When you admit mistakes, it makes your relationships stronger because students feel they can trust you.

5. Increases Your Influence

Some people fear admitting a mistake because they think other people will use it against them. But the opposite is usually true. When we admit mistakes, we appear smarter, more confident, and more sincere and that creates allies.

6. Shows You Care

People who won't admit mistakes are often self-focused and want to protect themselves rather than show they care about others. Admitting a mistake is a selfless decision.

7. Develops a Growth Mindset

When you have a growth mindset, you view mistakes as part of learning. Admitting a mistake and apologizing for it, if it hurt someone, is important to be able to move past it and learn from it.

How do you feel relationships are made stronger by apologizing? Can you apologize too much? I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter.

Wednesday, January 29, 2020

The Importance of Accepting Different Perspectives


We all see things differently. That's something I continue to learn as an educator and in every other area of life too. I used to get upset if someone expressed an idea I didn't agree with. It would frustrate me to no end if they took a position that seemed unreasonable to me. 

But I've learned that another person's perspective is something they have ownership over, not me. And my job is to listen and try to understand where they're coming from.

And maybe, if they're an open minded person, just maybe they'll be interested in my perspective too.

But be careful. Beware of the person who sets himself up as an authority. Beware of the person who believes he has cornered the truth. Beware of the person who has nothing left to learn.

When a person defines his or her belief as the only reality, that is dangerous indeed. Watch out for the person who has that type of blindness, who believes their perspective is the only one. 

They might say things like...

"I know for a fact..."

"You're wrong."

"You just don't get it."

"You should really do your homework on that."

"That doesn't matter."

"No one agrees with you."

"That never works."

"If you think/believe that, you must be a...moron, racist, tree-hugger, redneck, baby-killer or some other insult." 

It's never healthy to think I can impose my ideas, my opinions, my values, or my beliefs on another person. Our students need to learn to discuss ideas without being dismissive, condescending, or just plain rude. 

Being kind, being caring, being a person of empathy and understanding is more important than being right.

How are you helping your students be more accepting of people who have different ideas, opinions, backgrounds, etc.? I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter.

Friday, January 24, 2020

11 Phrases to Effectively Respond to Complaining


Whether you're a teacher or a principal, or have another role as an educator, you probably have interactions on a daily basis that involve complaints coming your way. The complaints might come from students, parents, or colleagues. These interactions can be difficult to handle and can really be a drain on energy and progress.

Just to be clear, I'm not suggesting every time someone brings up a problem, that it's unhelpful complaining. There are definitely complaints, or concerns, that bring light to legitimate issues and the messenger has an honest desire to make things better. Complaints can help us grow and improve.

And then there are complaints that have other, less desirable motives. I think we've all observed unhelpful complaining behaviors. Some people seem to find fault in everything and everyone and cast negative energy upon anyone who will listen. Blaming and complaining are often behaviors used to avoid personal responsibility.

But regardless of the intentions of the complaint, how can we best handle them when they come our way? How can we treat the person with dignity and respect, while still maintaining healthy boundaries? Here are some phrases I've used that have been helpful to me. 

1. "Go on. I'm listening."

It's never helpful for someone to feel like they aren't being heard or understood. So don't be dismissive or uncaring about a complaint when it is expressed. You may feel it is unfair or unhelpful or not a big deal, but hear the person out. Ask lots of questions. Try to understand where they are coming from before you draw conclusions.

2. "Let me see if I got that."

After the person shares what's on their mind, pause to gather your thoughts and then paraphrase what you've heard them say. Sometimes we jump right into "fix-it" mode without really listening to the other person or checking to see if we actually have all of the information. 

3. "Is there more?"

After you paraphrase your understanding back to the person, you can ask again, "Did I get that?" Listen to their response. After it seems that part is fully understood, ask "Is there more?" See what else they might share. You want to really explore what they are communicating and make sure they fully express their thoughts.

4. "I can see you feel..."

This phrase is essential. Help the person recognize the emotion they are feeling in the situation. I can validate their perception of the facts of the situation all day, but the real issue is often how the person feels. Something has bumped into their feelings and until they have the opportunity to express that, no solution is going to be good enough. Often, when they express their feelings and feel heard, the original complaint turns out to be a non-issue. After you make an attempt to name the feeling, check in with them again. "I can see you feel angry/sad about this situation. Is that right?"

5. "What would you like to see happen next?"

After you fully understand the problem and the feelings involved too, talk with the person about possible solutions. Ask them for feedback, "What would you like to see happen in this situation?" If they suggest there is something you can do to resolve it, just keep in mind it's okay to say no or explore other possibilities. Just because they want to see a certain thing happen doesn't mean it's wise, prudent, or fair. The leader may have to help make that decision.

6. "Thank you..."

Complaining can bring a surge of negative energy to an interaction. So after you listen and understand, one way to shift the energy is to complement the person who is bringing the complaint. "Thank you for sharing that perspective. I can see you love and care deeply for your child." 

7. "What did they say when you discussed this with them?"

One thing I always try to avoid is allowing people to skip the chain of command. For example, if a parent is complaining about a situation with a teacher, I will ask, "What did the teacher have to say when you made them aware of the problem?" Most of the time, they never talked with the teacher at all. 

8. "What steps have you taken to try to solve the problem?"

This is a good place to start with exploring possible solutions and reminding the person they have personal power and responsibility in this situation. When I'm working with students, they sometimes act as if there is 100% nothing they can do to solve the problem. They want someone or something outside of themselves to change without ever looking in the mirror. Of course, they can't control what's outside of them, even if they want to. And to be fair, plenty of adults can have this same type of unhealthy thinking.

9. "Does it make sense to discuss this problem more right now?"

Sometimes in meetings or in one-on-one situations, people want to discuss problems that no one who is currently in the conversation has the power to solve. For example, we might complain about issues that involve students, parents, other educators, state mandates, etc. But, let's keep the conversation focused on the people in the room. What are we going to do about this problem? If there is a need to partner with others in addressing the problem, invite them to the next meeting.

10. "I'm not comfortable..."

Sometimes,
colleagues will complain/gossip about other colleagues to a third-party. This triangulation is not healthy and destroys culture. This question can help redirect the person back to the person they are complaining about. "I'm not comfortable discussing this person behind his or her back. I want you to know I would do the same for you. I value you and wouldn't allow someone to speak badly about you behind your back." Of course, if the person is reporting something that is unsafe, illegal, or harmful to kids that's a different type of conversation.

11. "I'm willing to discuss this with you however long it takes until we get this resolved."


When someone brings a sincere complaint about a situation, they may feel like they are being silenced or dismissed if they don't get the immediate response they wanted. But leaders want to stay in dialogue. Leaders want to stand firm on the ideas without becoming adversaries with the individual. It's important to avoid being cast as an opponent. When you tell the person you want to see this resolved to everyone's satisfaction, it shows you value a solution that they can feel good about too. 

What other tips or ideas do you have for dealing with complaining in a productive and positive way? I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter

Monday, January 6, 2020

Is It Possible to Have Too Much Empathy?


I recently finished reading A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix by by Edwin Friedman. The author shared a number of leadership insights that were helpful to me or at least pushed my thinking.

But one of his positions knocked me back just a little. He builds a case that supports personal responsibility and rails against empathy. I was nodding my head on the personal responsibility ideas but was somewhat puzzled by the anti-empathy ideas. 

Friedman sets forth that empathy is a force that results in a lack of proper relational boundaries. He says empathy deprives organizations of progress and shifts power to the least emotionally healthy members. He says that empathy enables poor behavior and results in a failure to expect the least emotionally healthy members of an organization, or family, or relationship to grow. 

Those all seemed like bold claims to me. I generally view empathy as a good thing, a really good thing. But as I studied his position more carefully and reflected on the many examples he provided, I could also relate to how empathy gone too far can result in enabling dynamics. 

Or, taking empathy too far might result in my sacrificing my principles, beliefs, or convictions to soothe or satisfy another person's emotions or ideas.

So how can we define and practice empathy in healthy ways? How can we keep empathy from going too far?

A healthy sort of empathy is about carefully understanding the perspective of another person. One of my favorite quotes is from Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird. He says, "You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view—until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it."

Healthy empathy is about being open to another person's experience and perspective, to almost vicariously share in his or her perspective to understand it thoroughly. It's about understanding their thoughts and feelings.

But healthy empathy does not require you to agree with the position of another person, in matters of opinion. When I empathize, I can understand exactly where you're coming from and why you feel a certain way, and completely validate what you're experiencing, while also maintaining my ability to be true to myself, my ideals, and my responsibilities as a leader.

Friedman also provided an interesting distinction between hurt and harm, in matters of leadership interactions. He says that fair and effective leadership may sometimes result in hurt feelings. We're not going to like every decision the leader makes. And that our hurts are often an opportunity to grow emotionally through the experience. He would say that progress will demand some hurts along the way.

But harm crosses moral or ethical boundaries. Leaders should do no harm. They should be expected to act in ways that are honest, caring, selfless, and upright. 

The confusion I've noticed is that often when someone feels hurt, there is a belief that the individual or the organization has harmed them. But these are two different things.

What do you think? Is it possible to have too much empathy? What are your thoughts on keeping healthy boundaries while also showing empathy to others? Share a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter.

Friday, November 22, 2019

Never Ask a Student This Question About Their Behavior


Students who are in trouble almost always have a good reason for why they did what they did. Sometimes a student will admit fault and take full ownership, but that's not usually the case, especially for students who habitually shift responsibility. Usually, they explain away their behavior and how they were misunderstood or how someone else's bad behavior led to their actions. 

So how should educators handle that situation? Is it okay for a student to act badly if they have a good reason or feel justified in their behavior? Absolutely not. If they can explain their intentions, does that make it better? Not really.

I had this conversation with a student the other day. In life, people are going to know you by your behavior, not your intentions. So I hear what you're saying. You didn't mean to be disrespectful. You didn't mean to cause a problem. You had a good reason for what you did. But I can't know your reasons, truly. I believe what you're saying. But it's not for me to judge your intentions. No one can know what's in another person's heart with certainty. I can't know your intentions. But I can observe your behaviors.

And life will always hold you accountable for your actions. It might not happen immediately. You might get away with it for a while. However, the choices you make now will impact your future. And as someone who cares about you and your future, it's my job to help you be accountable now so life won't be so hard on you later.

So I never ask students this question:

"Why did you do it?"

That just reinforces the idea that if you had a good enough reason, it's okay to act badly. That if you had a good enough reason, it's okay to act in a way that's harmful to others.

Instead, ask the following:

"What did you do? Which choices you made caused a problem?"

"Who or what was harmed as a result of your choices?"

"What are the expectations (rules) here about these choices?"

"How might you correct the situation so it doesn't happen again in the future?"

Keep the focus on the behavior and not the underlying motivations. If the student tries to justify their behavior, keep coming back to the specific choices and how those choices aren't acceptable in this space. When we keep the focus on what happened and how it had an impact on others, we encourage full responsibility.

Wednesday, November 13, 2019

Three Myths About Kindness

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It's been great to see all the posts today for #WorldKindnessDay. It got me thinking about what it means to be kind. I think there are a few myths out there about this concept, and I wanted to address them.

Myth #1: Kindness is weak.

Kindness is NOT weak. In fact, it takes courage to show kindness. It takes strength. It takes setting aside what's easy for what's valuable. Being kind requires strength of character.

Myth #2: Kindness is the same as being nice.

Kindness is NOT just being nice. Being nice is one aspect of kindness, but that's not the end of it. Kindness is about making decisions that result in healthy relationships. It's about giving your time, your attention, your caring heart, your extra efforts, your helping hand, your selfless actions to lift up others. 


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Myth #3: Kindness is a feeling.

Kindness is NOT a feeling, it's a choice. It's a behavior. You're not going to like everyone you meet. You're probably not always going to feel like being kind to them. But you can choose to treat everyone you meet with all the care and concern of people you do like. 

The more you practice being kind, the easier it is to demonstrate this behavior consistently. It becomes a habit. It becomes who you are, and you don't even hesitate to act in kind ways.


You can never do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

How has someone shown kindness to you? How are you growing in your own ability to be kind to others? What other myths exist around kindness? Leave a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter.

Monday, August 5, 2019

11 Questions that Build Relationships and Foster Connection


Earlier this summer our district leadership team spent a day of training together around the Clifton Strengths Assessment. It was really interesting to learn more about self and others and how to leverage our individual and collective strengths to make our impact for kids stronger.

Of my top five strengths, I was a little disappointed to learn that none of them fell into the larger category of Relationship Building. 

That's right, I often write about how much I value relationships and how important they are, but connecting is not a natural strength for meat least not in my top 5 according to this instrument. 

Our trainer was really helpful in explaining that just because something isn't a natural strength doesn't mean you're not good at it, or that you don't find value in it. It just requires more effort and intention to be good at it. When you believe strongly in something, you can be effective in it even when it's not near the top of your strengths.

That was encouraging to me. 

My top 5 strengths were 1. Learner, 2. Activator, 3. Belief, 4. Futuristic (sounds like a familiar book title), and 5. Self-Assurance. These are all areas where I get energy, where I thrive.

But I also realize that relationships are the most important part of what I do. I can't be effective as an educator or as a human being for that matter, unless relationships are my number one priority. So I will remain intentional about how I strive to connect with others.

I've noticed sometimes when I interact with students I feel like I'm saying the same things over and over. Just simply exchanging pleasantries, smiling, nodding, fist-bumping, etc. And then maybe I'll ask about last night's game or how their classes are going.

I've also noticed that while we often talk about how important relationships are in education, we don't always share specific strategies for how to build relationships and connect in the middle of all those interactions we have every day. 

But I read an article recently about a study by psychologist Arthur Aron that described how certain questions have proven to build connection between people. And while the questions were designed to be used in a single 45 minute conversation, I'm wondering about how some of these questions might be helpful to me in working with students or colleagues, perhaps in shorter time frames. 

Some of the questions seemed more fitting than others. I thought I would share a few here in case you're like me and looking for ways to make your conversations more meaningful. The questions were divided into sets based on the level of vulnerability they might require.

I think they might even be good for staff meetings to build more connection and teamwork among teachers. When we share together we grow stronger together.

Set 1

1. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

2. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?

3. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

4. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set 2

5. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

6. What do you value most in a friendship?

7. What is your most treasured memory?

8. Is there something you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?

Set 3

9. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

10. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

11. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling..."

There were actually 36 questions total. I'm just sharing a few of the ones that seemed most likely that I might use. I would definitely be uncomfortable asking students, or even colleagues, a few of the questions that were included in the larger group, especially from Set 3. 

You might want to check out the full list of 36 questions and the protocol for the entire activity. You might find some other questions you like for your classroom or school. Or, you might want to try the entire process for date night with your significant other. Enjoy!

What are other questions or topics you rely on to foster connection? I would love to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter.

Wednesday, June 26, 2019

From Implementing to Transforming


Implementing a program or procedure can result in a certain level of success. But "implementing work" will never achieve the value of "transforming work."

Implementing is taking someone else's work and replicating it with fidelity. When we talk about best practices in education, that's implementing.

Implementing is the scripted lesson, it's following the established pattern, it's the well-worn path, the formula, the hack, the tried and true. It's doing it the way it's been done before.

We can train people to be implementers.

But implementing doesn't account for the unique gifts and abilities you have to offer. Sure, we should start with learning best practices. In fact, it's necessary to learn best practices. The work and wisdom of the past informs what's possible next. Tomorrow's progress is built on the progress of the past.

Tomorrow's progress is also build on your contributions. We should contribute to progress. As we develop our expertise, we should seek to make a larger contribution. We should be molding and shaping best practices.

That's transforming work.

Transforming work requires curiosity, creativity, imagination, and empathy. It makes a contribution to the world that is unique and beneficial. It's going beyond best practices to bring something new and better.

There are a million ways you can go from implementing to transforming. Rely on your strengths. Discover your passions. Grow your influence. You'll be more fulfilled when you do. 

Do the work you love. It's hard to love implementing when you could be transforming. 

Are you stuck in an implementing rut? Or are you using your full creativity and imagination in your work? Are you reaching hearts and minds with transforming work? Leave a message below or respond on Facebook or Twitter.

Friday, April 19, 2019

The Importance of Emotions in Learning




Earlier this month, Dave Burgess shared a great tweet of a slide from Amy Fast's presentation at What Great Educators Do Differently in Houston.
It's true. It's so important to do the emotional work, your emotional work to connect and care and empathize, because it influences the emotions of everyone around you. It influences others. 

How important are emotions? Emotions are "energy in motion." Our emotions are always moving us toward something or away from something. We don't always have to choose to follow those emotions, but they are powerful. Just understand that when a student or colleague is stuck in a performance rut, there is nearly always an emotional component to that.

Most people want to succeed and do well, right? They didn't wake up in the morning wanting to fail. But sometimes they lose their way. At some point, their thoughts, beliefs, or feelings start getting in the way. Their words and actions are impacted. They allow the obstacles to weigh them down or stall their progress.

We need to create positive emotions in our classrooms and in our schools toward each other, toward learning, and toward making a difference. We need to support each other and believe in each other and never give up on each other. A positive learning environment is a positive emotional environment.

How often are there moments in your school that bring great joy, hope, and purpose? Those moments help create a heightened state of emotion. A peak state of emotion leads to a greater sense of motivation.

Think about it...
When you are laughing, smiling, encouraging, connecting, complimenting, progressing, and succeeding, you will have more energy, enthusiasm, effort, excitement, enjoyment, engagement and more. 

And conversely...
When you are frowning, criticizing, isolating, blaming, or complaining, you'll reap what you sow with that too. You'll have less energy. You'll be more tired. You'll be less likely to take a risk or do something great.

If you want to increase learning and performance, create an environment that provides for positive emotional support and growth. Create a positive environment. Create an uplifting environment, a fun environment. Bring your best energy.

Be intentional to create opportunities for students and colleagues to have more positive emotions. When the emotional environment improves, everyone has a better chance to change and grow and experience more powerful learning and connection.

What are ways you create an positive emotional environment in your classroom or school?

How do you set the tone each day for connection and care?

What behaviors need to be addressed that are damaging the emotional environment?

I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter. Thanks for all you do to bring your positive vibes each and every day!

Friday, April 5, 2019

7 Future Driven Questions to Discuss With Your Team


Earlier this week, I was speaking at What Great Educators Do Differently in Houston. It was a fantastic event with a great lineup of inspiring education leaders.

My topic was Great Educators are Risk-Takers and Difference-Makers! When I have the opportunity to work with school districts or speak at conferences, I want to remind educators that we're educating kids for the world they'll live in and not the world we grew up in.

It's an central message in my book, Future Driven

The world is changing faster than ever and schools need to be changing too. I always ask, "Is your school a time capsule (static) or a time machine (dynamic)?" We can't afford to teach to a test or simply prepare kids for the next grade level, or even college or career. We're preparing them for life and anything they might face.

We can't continue to prize student achievement while ignoring the critical importance of student agency. Kids need more opportunities to make decisions and take initiative. We need to develop future leaders and passionate learners, not just proficient test takers.

And the only way that will happen is by allowing teachers to have the needed professional autonomy to be risk-takers and difference-makers. Educators must have the freedom to take initiative and make decisions. They need the flexibility to use their strengths and bring their passions into their classrooms.

But I also want to challenge educators. What are you doing with the autonomy you have? Are you pushing limits? Are you challenging the status quo? Are you creating extraordinary learning opportunities that prepare students for a complex, unpredictable world? If we're going to crush student apathy, we have to start with addressing teacher apathy. We have to show up strong!

Here are 5 Future Driven questions to think about with your team...

1. What will students need to thrive in a complex, unpredictable world? (addressing rapid change)

2. How can our school better meet the unique needs of today's kids? (kids are dealing with new issues/pressures)

3. How can we create a place where kids who resist school are empowered to love learning? (compliance vs. empowered learning)

4. Do teachers have the autonomy they need to create deeper learning? (teacher agency)

5. Do students have opportunities to pursue and explore their own questions? (inquiry)

6. Are students expected to create and innovate in your classroom? (critical thinking, problem-solving)

7. How are students helping others through what they're learning? (empathy, service)

What other future driven questions do you think are relevant for educators to discuss? It's amazing how questions can help us make the best decisions. I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter

Friday, January 4, 2019

What's More Professional?


Is it more professional to teach in a traditional manner, the way you remember your teachers teaching you? 

Or, is it more professional to teach in innovative ways that might be more relevant to today's world with today's students? 

Is being professional dressing a certain way, fulfilling your obligations consistently, or having a certain type of professional demeanor?

Maybe some of those things matter for professionalism. But what matters most?

What exactly does it mean to be professional?

It seems to me that being a professional is doing things in the best possible way to meet professional goals. If the ultimate goal is the best possible learning for students, then being professional isn't about doing it like it's always been done, or doing it the way you prefer, or doing it by some personal code that might communicate professionalism for the sake of professionalism.

What's most relevant for being a professional educator is taking actions and designing learning in a way that works best for the learners you are currently teaching, this group of kids, the ones you are working with right now.

Being a professional is understanding the needs of the students. It's seeing things from the perspective of the learner, and then seeking to meet their needs to create the strongest learning environment possible. It's being curious about how your students are experiencing learning. And it's having enough empathy to understand and adjust.

What's your professional identity?

It's only natural to teach in the way that's most comfortable for you. I think most people have a teaching identity that says, "I'm the type of person who teaches such and such way." I've even heard teachers make comments like, "That just doesn't work for me." 

They have a certain idea of their teaching identity. And then they build a story for why their students need the type of teacher they value, the type of teacher that fits their identity.

I'm the strict teacher. These kids need discipline.

I'm the lecturing teacher. These kids need to learn to take notes for college.

I'm the cool teacher. These kids need me to be their friend.

I'm the old school teacher. These kids need to value the things my generation valued.

I'm the dominion teacher. These kids need to fall into line and comply with authority.

But what if your teaching identity isn't really what your students need? Are you willing to reinvent yourself to do what's best for today's learners? All of them?

Being professional means doing beneficial things that aren't necessarily your natural inclination.

To me, that's being a professional. It's creating a classroom environment that will engage and ensure maximum learning even if that's not what's most comfortable for me. I'm going to step out of my comfort zone to make this better for my students.

The most professional educators (teachers, administrators, and other roles too) I know are the ones who are willing to do just about anything to make learning better for students. They are willing to adjust their practices to meet the needs of the students. 

In fact, they are actively seeking ways to adjust their practices to meet the legitimate learning needs of their students.

Well, I'm not here to entertain. I'm not doing a dog and pony show.

Is making learning come alive a dog and pony show? Is cultivating curiosity being an entertainer? 

The kids need to learn grit. They need to learn to do the work, even if they think it's boring. They need to learn perseverance.

Grit and perseverance are connected to things we find meaningful, relevant, and purposeful. Do students find your class meaningful, relevant, and purposeful?

I bet you apply effort to things you find meaningful. In fact, every action you're motivated to take is because you attach some meaning to it. You might even hate doing it. But you attach some meaning to it. Or you wouldn't do it.

What about your students? What are you doing to make learning more meaningful for your students? If they aren't motivated, it's because they don't see the meaning in what you're asking them to do. At least they don't see enough meaning in it, yet, because when they do, they will engage.

What adjustments are you making?

A professional educator is seeking to make learning irresistible. 

A professional educator is seeking to meet the legitimate learning needs of the students.

A professional educator is willing to set aside personal preferences for peak practices.

A professional educator is enthusiastic, excited, and energetic about learners and learning.

A professional educator isn't satisfied with going through the motions or arriving at good enough. There is a desire for continuous improvement that starts with the person in the mirror. What are the actions, attitudes, and approaches I need to take to succeed with these students?

What do you think about this riff on professionalism? Does it resonate with you? Leave a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter. I look forward to reading your comments.