I recently finished reading A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix by by Edwin Friedman. The author shared a number of leadership insights that were helpful to me or at least pushed my thinking.
But one of his positions knocked me back just a little. He builds a case that supports personal responsibility and rails against empathy. I was nodding my head on the personal responsibility ideas but was somewhat puzzled by the anti-empathy ideas.
Friedman sets forth that empathy is a force that results in a lack of proper relational boundaries. He says empathy deprives organizations of progress and shifts power to the least emotionally healthy members. He says that empathy enables poor behavior and results in a failure to expect the least emotionally healthy members of an organization, or family, or relationship to grow.
Those all seemed like bold claims to me. I generally view empathy as a good thing, a really good thing. But as I studied his position more carefully and reflected on the many examples he provided, I could also relate to how empathy gone too far can result in enabling dynamics.
Or, taking empathy too far might result in my sacrificing my principles, beliefs, or convictions to soothe or satisfy another person's emotions or ideas.
So how can we define and practice empathy in healthy ways? How can we keep empathy from going too far?
A healthy sort of empathy is about carefully understanding the perspective of another person. One of my favorite quotes is from Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird. He says, "You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view—until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it."
Healthy empathy is about being open to another person's experience and perspective, to almost vicariously share in his or her perspective to understand it thoroughly. It's about understanding their thoughts and feelings.
But healthy empathy does not require you to agree with the position of another person, in matters of opinion. When I empathize, I can understand exactly where you're coming from and why you feel a certain way, and completely validate what you're experiencing, while also maintaining my ability to be true to myself, my ideals, and my responsibilities as a leader.
Friedman also provided an interesting distinction between hurt and harm, in matters of leadership interactions. He says that fair and effective leadership may sometimes result in hurt feelings. We're not going to like every decision the leader makes. And that our hurts are often an opportunity to grow emotionally through the experience. He would say that progress will demand some hurts along the way.
But harm crosses moral or ethical boundaries. Leaders should do no harm. They should be expected to act in ways that are honest, caring, selfless, and upright.
The confusion I've noticed is that often when someone feels hurt, there is a belief that the individual or the organization has harmed them. But these are two different things.
What do you think? Is it possible to have too much empathy? What are your thoughts on keeping healthy boundaries while also showing empathy to others? Share a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter.
I love the energy and intention of the word relentless. There is power in that word. It indicates persistence, perseverance, commitment, and fortitude. The word is strong and mighty.
When we talk about educators being relentless, that's often a great compliment. What parent wouldn't want a teacher or principal for his or her own child who is relentless, who exhibits the qualities of being determined, dedicated, and diligent?
But, one word of caution. Relentless about what?
When I was in college I had a professor who I would definitely say was relentless, in a way. He had an incredibly detailed syllabus, over 25 pages long. He had clearly invested much time and energy in preparing for the course. He seemed very relentless in his attention to every fine point.
No doubt his knowledge of his subject matter was off the charts. He spoke with tremendous authority on his topic. You could easily tell he had an impressive depth of understanding. I'm guessing he studied his subject matter relentlessly.
His tests were notorious for their complexity, rigor, and depth. Students lived in fear of his tests. And upon returning the graded exams, he would include meticulous written feedback regarding each incorrect answer. Much of the feedback went right over my head. We were asked to do nothing with the feedback, but he was relentless in giving it nonetheless.
I learned next to nothing in this course. I simply survived. And from my discussions with other students and his overall reputation around campus, that seemed to be the general consensus.
Getting through his class felt like it was more about gaming his system, and his 25-page syllabus, than it was about actual learning. I surprisingly got a decent grade, but it didn't reflect much of anything about the quality of my learning.
There was little interaction between the professor and the students. There was no connection. There was no attempt to meet the learners at their current level of understanding. He simply taught right over everyone's heads.
So what are you relentless about in your classroom or school?
Are you relentless about the rules or about the relationships?
Are you relentless about the grades or the learning?
Are you relentless about the curriculum or the progress of the learners?
Are you relentless about marching through the standards or inspiring a love of learning in your students?
Let's reflect on what's most important and make sure we're applying our energy to those things.
Let's be relentless about what adds the most value to our learners and their futures.
Let's be relentless about bringing joy and enthusiasm for learning.
Let's be relentless in knowing our students.
Let's be relentless in believing in our students.
Let's be relentless in listening to our students.
Let's be relentless in understanding our students' perspectives.
Let's seek to be relentless as educators. But let's also reflect to make sure we're relentless about the right things.
What are you relentless about as an educator? What do you value most and does that also add the most value to your students? I would love to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter.
Which students are doing the creative work in your school? Who has the most opportunities to work on projects, solve problems, collaborate with classmates, develop ideas, design products, and publish for authentic audiences? If your school is like most schools, I'm guessing your strongest learners have the most opportunities.
And I'm guessing the students who struggle the most are doing the most repetitive work, the routine work, and the isolated work. They are spending more time in intervention settings.
There's nothing inherently wrong with repetition or routine work. Intervention can be helpful. Sometimes that's what's needed. But there is so much more.
Students may master standards in this type of routine learning, but they will never master themselves. They need chances to demonstrate agency, to take greater ownership of their learning, and to explore different ideas.
For your next lesson, what small changes could you make to cause your learners to experience a little more curiosity and a little more creativity? Ask yourself this each day. How can I move the needle toward curiosity and creativity in learning? How can I leverage curiosity and creativity to help students master standards? How can students access this curriculum in ways that build curiosity and creativity too?
Curiosity and creativity aren't separate events from learning content. They enhance the learning of content. It's through curiosity and creativity that we learn content best.
And I believe that's true for all students. It's true for students who have special learning needs, it's true for students who struggle with behaviors, and it's true for students who are behind academically.
All kids deserve opportunities for creative work.
Learning doesn't stop with learning standards. In fact, some of the most valuable work we can do is developing the curiosity and creativity in learners. Our kids should leave school wanting to know even more. We should aim to develop them as curious, creative, and continuous learners.
How are you developing the curiosity and creativity of your students? I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter.
