7 Tips for Difficult Conversations with Students

These tips are actually true for conversations with just about anyone, not only students. Too often I think we avoid having a difficult conversation about a topic because we aren't sure how it will go. We aren't sure if it will be productive, so we just remain silent.

Or, on the other hand, we know the topic might evoke some strong emotions, so we come at the conversation forcefully, from a position of dominance. It's the "my way or the highway" approach. That might get compliance from students, but it won't build trust or stronger relationships. Underneath it all, there will be a kid who resents you.

Neither of these approaches is successful. It's not good to be silent and avoid the topic. And it's not good to be aggressive and overbearing either. A healthy relationship is build on mutual trust that comes through respectful dialogue.

Here are five tips for having difficult conversations that create shared meaning and understanding.

1. Keep Dialogue Open

Let the student know that you are willing to listen and work together to solve the problem. Ask if they are willing to listen to your thoughts too. Keep the focus on the issue and not on sweeping generalizations like "You always..." or "You never..." statements. You might even ask the student, "How can we have this conversation in a way that is positive and helpful?"

2. Make Respect a Top Priority

Let the student know you believe it's possible to solve any problem if both parties are respectful of one another. Let the student know you will never intentionally disrespect him or her. Let them know you want to hear what they think about the issue. The words we use are powerful and communicate our level of respect. Your body language and tone of voice are equally important.

3. Describe Your Intentions

You might say, "I'm willing to discuss this as long as it takes until we both feel good about how it's resolved." Let the student know you're wanting a solution he or she can feel good about too. We're aiming for a WIN/WIN outcome, not my way or the highway. As the teacher, you don't have to prove you're in charge. You ARE in charge. You don't have to prove it. Work cooperatively with students to seek WIN/WIN solutions.

4. Be Curious, Not Furious

Ask questions to understand the student's perspective. Be curious about what they are experiencing. Say, "Tell me more" or "Go on" to show you are interested in hearing the details. Paraphrase what they say to you to show you're listening. My biggest mistake is talking too much. When I'm "telling" a student what I think should happen, I'm missing the opportunity to listen and better understand the student's perspective.

5. Avoid Countering

Countering results in arguments. We start debating the facts. We build our case. We prove our points. It's about "being right." Try to avoid this trap. Try to stay curious and avoid countering. Spend more time listening. The goal is to get to a place where both parties let their guard down and work together cooperatively.

6. Timing is Everything

In my first few years as a principal, I would sometimes choose horrible timing to try to address an issue. I thought it had to be resolved immediately. Usually, that's not true. Most of the time it can wait until cooler heads prevail. If I sense there is no way to have safe dialogue in the moment, I'll step away temporarily. And then I'll resume the conversation in a different location in a different time. This works much better than allowing a situation to escalate.

7. Focus on the Future

Every kid needs a fresh start every day. Time spent holding onto yesterday means less time moving forward today. Take inventory of the current situation, but then focus on the future. Where do we want our relationship to go from here? How can we work together to make the future brighter in this situation? What are we trying to accomplish? What will it look like if we are successful in resolving this problem?

Some people might view these tips as "going easy, or "being soft" or "having low expectations." I would completely disagree. We must have firm boundaries. What's easy is avoiding the conversation entirely. What's easy is being silent. What's easy is also using threats or power to get your way. What's hard is listening to a student, understanding their perspective, and guiding them in a way that is cooperative and respectful. We MUST have boundaries, and we MUST challenge behavior that is harmful to learning. But the way we do it can either build trust or destroy it. 

What are some of your strategies for having difficult conversations with students? I know you have some great tips to share. I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on or .

What's the Key to Influencing Your Students?

Information and well-reasoned arguments are rarely of much benefit to cause pivotal change. In Switch, by Dan Heath and Chip Heath, the authors detail dozens of examples of two different approaches to influencing (organizational and individual) behavior.

Think/Analyze/Change

One approach is Think/Analyze/Change. In this approach you present the facts. If you do this, this will happen. You make reasoned arguments. You encourage people to think like the rational human beings you expect them to be.

But the problem is, most people don't make decisions based on carefully reasoned decisions. Of course, to the individual, every decision is reasonable. Our students believe they have a good reasons for their choices. It's always important to remember students, and people in general, do things for their reasons and not ours.

So when we use "telling" as a strategy to reason with students about why they should comply, follow rules, or try harder, it probably goes in one ear and out the other, except for the students who already agree with our reasoning, and they aren't the ones who need to hear it.

See/Feel/Change

So the second approach is See/Feel/Change. This approach has been shown time and again to be far more effective in creating behavioral change. This approach makes change more visible. It often relies on mental pictures and narratives that people can really connect with. It focuses on heart needs. It connects with the person emotionally. That is critically important. 

While we would all like to think we're rational beings, we've made some of the biggest decisions of our life based on emotion...where we went to college, who we married, deciding to have kids, buying a house or that new car. There were powerful emotions at play in all of those decisions.

To be a change agent, you have to use See/Feel/Change strategies. 

Here are five tips...
1. The energy you bring to your classroom communicates expectations more powerfully than your words. If you bring enough purpose, passion, and energy to the space, you communicate to students that this teacher is not going to accept less than my best. Keep in mind your rules are no match for student habits.

2. Give your students experiences. Use demonstrations. Use role playing. Make the principles you are trying to teach visible and interactive and don't rely on just "telling." Invite students to reflect on experiences and draw meaning from concrete examples.

3. Tell stories. People connect with stories. So if you have a story that illustrates a principle, use it. But also tie it to a higher purpose. So instead of telling a story of how your son or daughter was complemented in his/her job for showing up on time and keeping his cell phone put away, share how proud you are as a parent that your child is doing well in his adult life. Our kids want their parents to be proud of them. Or, talk about how he or she is taking such good care of their family. Our students may not care about a career at 15 years old. But they do care about the things all people care about (relationships, feeling significant, being good at something, family, connection, etc.).

4. Teach specific first steps to make the change a reality. If students experience some success in an area, they are more likely to continue down that path. So don't just say, remember to do your homework. Help them make plans for exactly what steps they will take to do their homework. Planning first steps is extremely important to creating change. Don't assume they know what to do.

5. Help students find a sense of purpose. People who lack purpose have no reason to change. They have no hope. Encourage students by believing in their possibilities and by giving them encouragement to grow. Students are more likely to invest themselves when they feel meaning and purpose. Learning must be more meaningful than a grade or a test score.

Final thoughts...

Students (all people actually) do things for their reasons, not ours.

Information without emotion is rarely retained. And information rarely changes behavior.

Be mindful of how you can add the greatest value to students who could benefit from changed habits. Be a change agent.

Let me here from you. What are strategies you've used to help student's make pivotal changes? I'm talking about real, lasting change. Share a comment below or respond on or . I look forward to hearing your thoughts. 

Don't Ask For More Until You're Willing to Risk More

Strong leaders have strong visions for their schools. They feel a constant tension between how things are and how they could be. And leaders want to see progress toward the vision. And progress toward the vision is great, but it comes at a cost if leaders aren't careful.

People must never feel diminished at the expense of the vision.

I would challenge leaders to consider this question. Why do you provide learning opportunities for your teachers? I'm guessing the most common answer would be it's for the kids and their learning. 

That's a noble goal, right?

It's to help teachers be better so kids can learn more too. It's to move the school forward toward the vision. We have important work to do to be the best we can be, so the kids can be the best they can be.

But here's the translation for many teachers: My current work is not appreciated here. It's never good enough. You're always trying to squeeze more out of me. I'm doing all I can and now you're adding to my plate. My work is not valued here. I feel like I'm being pushed in directions I don't even know if I want to go.

But what if we approached professional learning from a different perspective? What if school leadership focused more on serving teachers and meeting their needs? What if professional learning was more about growing the teacher and not about better test scores or some other outcome?

Let's create a culture of professional learning that values teachers. Let's start with this idea. We want to provide experiences that help teachers get the most out of their work. We want to provide experiences that help you achieve your greatest fulfillment as a teacher. 

We want to provide experiences that offer the highest return on your investment as an educator. 

That's servant leadership. Helping others make a greater impact and find more fulfillment in what they are doing. It's not about squeezing more out of the individual for the sake of the school, the test scores, or even for the kids. It's not about winning at the SMART goals game.

But those things will probably improve too as teachers feel more appreciated, find more fulfillment, and sense they are getting a higher return on their investment as an educator.

There's nothing wrong with leaders asking more of the people they lead. That's what good leaders do. They challenge people to grow their capacity and to use their capacity to the fullest.

But start with why. Reflect on your own motives. Why are you asking more? It has to be to care for your team. Love your team. It has to be for the benefit of each individual first. Help them reach their goals. Help them feel a greater sense of accomplishment. Give them a sense of their own talent, progress, and strengths.

The best leaders are constantly affirming the work that is being done. They are recognizing the strengths and contributions of each team member. The vision is realized as a result of valuing people, encouraging them, and supporting them all along the way.

Leaders: When we ask teachers to risk more and to give more, are we also giving more and risking more for teachers?

The vision for your school is important, but the vision is meaningless if performance is more important than people.

What are some ways you are risking more for you colleagues, caring for them, and increasing the return on investment for others? I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on or .

Is Positivity an Excuse for Silencing Opposing Viewpoints?

There's been some push back recently on Twitter against the whole idea of positive attitude as a good thing. It gave me some things to think about, because in general, I've found a positive mindset to be a source of strength in my life. I've even written several posts about positive thinking, including this one:

10 Thoughts On Positive Attitude to Share With Your Team

A positive school is built on positive moments. It doesn't just happen by accident. Every interaction counts. It takes a concerted effort on the part of everyone to create an environment that is awesome. So what are some things everyone should know to be more positive in their own mindset and help contribute to that positive environment we all want?

How could someone not be in favor of having a positive outlook? I was curious and a little puzzled by some of the responses I've seen to the idea of having a positive attitude. I wanted to know more.

So here are some of the arguments I've seen. Keep in mind I'm doing my best to synthesize, so if you're in the anti-positive thinking camp, let me know if I'm missing the point.

1. Calls for a positive attitude are one way the dominant culture silences critics and those with opposing viewpoints. By asking me to have a positive attitude, you are refusing to acknowledge my experience and my suffering. I'm not allowed to speak my mind or share my experience without being labeled a negative person.

2. Positive thinking is not the solution to mental health issues. To the contrary, it's part of the mental health crisis. It's no longer okay to feel negative emotions like sadness, fear, isolation, hopelessness, or anger. If you feel those emotions, you're not being positive, and that's not okay.  The pressure to feel positive all the time is too much, and so when I don't, I feel further devalued and unable to measure up.

3. Sharing positive thoughts is empty of meaning. It's not doing the real work of challenging injustice or working to understand those who are oppressed or those who are suffering. Instead of sharing something "positive," share something that demands justice or calls out oppressive forces. In other words, raise some hell to demand change. That's doing something positive.

I think those are some really good reasons to push back against positive thinking, if you define and understand being positive in a certain way. I think there are some nuances to the idea of being positive that are important for the idea to work, otherwise it's just a thought that we should all be happy all the time, and that's just not helpful.

Here's how I would respond to the three concerns about positive thinking.

1. Being positive doesn't mean everyone has to be agreeable and have the same opinions. But it does mean we express our opinions in ways that are productive and helpful. In a school, leaders need to encourage productive conflict and invite critical dialogue. I want people around me to push my thinking and challenge my ideas. That's how we get better. 

But I'm guessing...in some cases, leaders are silencing voices who are simply expressing a different viewpoint and using positive attitude as the reason. Either you agree with me or you obviously don't have a positive attitude? It's one or the other. That type of thinking is not effective.

2. Being positive doesn't mean you're happy all the time. I think believing you should be happy all the time does result in complications to mental health. We need to feel all our feelings, the positive and negative ones. The truth is none of our feeling are truly negative. They're not bad. They're just feelings. They come and go. And as humans, all of them are legitimate. Being positive is the ability to experience the array of human emotions and respond to them in ways that are helpful. 

In response to every emotion, we have the choice in what we do with it. How do we hold that emotion in our mind and how do we think about it? Do we listen to what our emotions tell us and let them take us down whatever path they choose? Or, do we choose the path for our emotions? Do we point them in a direction we want them to go? We're not repressing them or denying them. It's important to fully acknowledge how we feel, but then choose to use that emotion as fuel to go in some positive direction in life. I'm going to use this pain or sorrow for good in this certain way.

Of course, this is always a process. There are times I do not handle my emotions in productive ways. And that results in strain on my relationships or sticky situations as a leader. I've often had to apologize for times I allowed my emotions to choose the path.

3. Sharing positive thoughts are empty of meaning if they are empty of meaning. But they don't have to be. In fact, the person who can communicate difficult, hard truths in a positive way is a wise person. There is wisdom and strength in communicating a difficult message in a way that doesn't offend or alienate. That's making an effort to have dialogue and not a shouting match. I see no benefit to a shouting match. Neither side is really listening. Nothing productive is resulting from this exchange.

And yet, that is how most people seem to be handling conversations these days in regard to our most pressing issues. It's evident all over social media. There is no dialogue. There is no civility. Each side hurls insults, snide remarks, insulting labels, and believes they have the moral high ground. Our way is the right way!!!

It makes me sad when I see educators fall into this same type of behavior. Unfortunately, I've noticed more destructive posts like this recently from educators. We have an obligation to set a good example for our students every day in our classrooms, and also on social media. We have an obligation to do our very best, all the time, to be respectful and positive with our words and actions.

At the same time, it's never okay to silence an opposing viewpoint on the grounds that the person needs to be positive. It's okay to ask someone to communicate respectfully. But it's not okay to silence someone who disagrees.

Let me know your thoughts on all of this. Leave a comment below or respond on or . I always enjoy hearing from you.

Be Firm in Your Principles. Be Flexible in Your Practices.

I'm a big advocate of positive and productive change. If one thing is certain, it's change. There will be change, and we must adapt. Our students must adapt. Our schools must adapt. The world is becoming more complex and uncertain, and that makes change even more imperative. 

But some things never change. Teaching principles, for instance, stand the test of time. Principles are fundamental truths. They are universal and unchanging at their core. These things should be the foundation of who we are and what we do as educators.

-Treat every child, every person, with dignity and respect.

-Make kindness a top concern.

-Communicate clear goals and objectives.

-Set high expectations.

-Believe the best of your students.

-Provide extraordinary learning experiences, not just lessons.

-Make learning relevant to time, place, and the individual.

-Persevere, push through obstacles, and never give up on a child.

-Recognize effort and progress.

-Consistently provide useful and meaningful feedback.

These things will not change. There may be some slight contextual ways that they change. But essentially, they are some of the fundamentals whether we look at education 50 years in the past or 50 years into the future.

But our practices are different. Our practices should be much different than 50 years ago. They should even be different than 5 years ago. They may be different tomorrow, based on our students' needs. We must adapt our practices to the needs of the students we are working with today, right now. We need to adapt to the changes that are happening in the world right now as well.

Teaching practices are only effective in certain situations and change over time: grading, curriculum, technology, strategies, and lessons all must change to stay relevant.

So...

Be firm in your principles. They are your core beliefs.

Be flexible in your practices. They flow from your principles and are your actions today.

Be firm in your mission. It's your purpose as an educator.

Be flexible in your methods. Your methods are how you achieve your purpose and may change with the situation.

How are you developing your principles and practices as an educator? Both are important. Leave a comment below or respond on or .

The Power of Choosing 'Must' Instead of 'Rather'

Last night I watched the film, Lincoln, starring Daniel Day Lewis as the 16th U.S. President. It was great to finally see it. I'm kind of a history nerd, but for some reason I had never watched it before. It's an incredible film covering the final four months of Lincoln's life. Daniel Day Lewis is outstanding in his portrayal of the president.

As I watched, I noticed several times how Lincoln used the word must as he considered the decisions and actions he would take as the leader of a bitterly divided nation. He was a courageous leader who stood firmly on principles in the face of incredible opposition and obstacles.

I reflected on the difficult decisions he made. I'm sure there were times he would rather have taken an easier path. He faced hardships and failure throughout his life, and he could've veered off course, retreated, or just settled for the status quo. He probably didn't want to carry all of the heavy burdens of a Civil War, the bloodiest war in U.S. history. 

But he did carry those burdens and remained a steadfast leader. He stood firm. Because he felt a moral imperative. He felt he must. 

We are all faced with challenges as educators. We are often faced with choices about what we would rather do versus what we must do.

And while our decisions may not be described in history books, our work has great significance in the life of a child. We might be the best hope for some. We don't always know what might hang in the balance. We don't always know what difference we might make for this one child.

We usually have the opportunity to make the greatest difference when we choose must over rather.

I would rather not have that difficult conversation, but I must.

I would rather not have to learn something new, but I must.

I would rather not be creative today, but I must.

I would rather not call that parent, but I must.

I would rather not give that extra effort, but I must.

I would rather not be enthusiastic today, but I must.

I would rather not have to repair that relationship, but I must.

I would rather not consider another idea or perspective, but I must.

I would rather not give that kid a fresh start today, but I must.

I would rather not change my lesson, but I must.

I would rather not deal with new technology, but I must.

I would rather not overlook that offense, but I must.

Every day I see educators choosing must over rather. But we should always, always, always be asking, "What is best for kids?" 

In this situation, "Am I choosing must or rather?"

Do you ever struggle to choose must instead of rather? I think we all face that. Let me know what you think. Leave a comment below or respond on or .

Twitter Is Like Going to the Grocery Store

A few months ago, I took a group of teachers to visit the Ron Clark Academy (RCA) in Atlanta. It was an amazing experience to see the school up close and learn along with educators from all across the country.

During the opening, Ron Clark shared that visiting the school is kind of like going to the grocery store. When you go, you don't take home everything that is on the shelves. You pick out the things you need, the things you like, or the things you want. But you have lots of options.

Everyone is not going to fill their shopping cart with the same items at the grocery store. Likewise, not everything that happens at RCA will work for every teacher, every classroom, or every school.

However, there are some amazing selections for you to consider. And if you are passionate, creative, and inspired, you will see all sorts of ways you can bring pieces of RCA to your work. 

And if you've lost a little of your passion, creativity, or inspiration, you might just rekindle that too!

I think the same can be said for building a Personal Learning Network (PLN) and connecting on Twitter. Not every idea you encounter on Twitter will go in your shopping cart. 

Some things might not work for you right now. You'll pass over those. 

Some things might seem too big to fit in your cart right now. You can consider those again in the future.

You might only go shopping once a week at first. Later, you may want to stop in daily to see what's new.

That's what's great about it. It's completely up to you. And customized for you. With a little skill, you can get out of it what you need, whenever you need it.

Twitter is actually more like Amazon than your neighborhood grocery. Part of Amazon's mission is to be a place where "people can find and discover anything they might want to buy online." 

Twitter is like that for educators. You can connect with people who are like-minded and get ideas and support for just about anything you want to accomplish as an educator.

And you can do it just about any time and any place that works for you.

It's a total game-changer. 

Jeff Nelson adapted the following list from my satirical post about Twitter PD. I admit I had fun with the satire, but he put a positive spin on it. There are just so many reasons for educators to use this tool. It's such a great way to grow and learn.



Who else thinks Twitter is a game-changer? How has it impacted your work as an educator? I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on or .

Difficulties Make Us Bitter or They Make Us Better

With less than a minute left in the game, we're up by one point and inbounding the ball from under our own basket.

The ref is counting, and it's getting close to a five-second violation.

You'd think a turnover might be the worst thing that could happen here. But you'd be wrong.

Our inbounder senses the need to avoid the 5-count. He throws the ball long, toward the other end of the court. It's a common play, almost a safety valve.

But when our player catches the ball almost without breaking stride he runs for the opponent's basket and lays the ball in the basket effortlessly.

That's right, he scored for the other team.

With less than a minute on the clock. Against one of our biggest rivals.

We went from up one to down one in a flash.

How could this happen?

The large and enthusiastic home crowd went suddenly quiet.

Our coach immediately called timeout. Within seconds, teammates were speaking encouragement to the shocked player. I can't imagine how he felt when he realized what he'd just done. You could see his disappointment.

In the huddle, our coach reminded his team, "Next play. Next play." We always move on to the next play. We don't dwell on our mistakes. We play through our mistakes. We don't blame, or point fingers, or pout, or feel sorry for ourselves.

We move on to the next play...together.

He stayed in the game. Coach didn't take him out.

With only seconds on the clock, we hit a three point shot to put us up by two. But then the opposing team came back and tied the game just before time expired. Unbelievable.

Two overtimes later, our Liberators pulled out the win. And the kid who scored for the other team hit a huge three point shot of his own, at our basket of course.

It's nice that we won. It makes me happy for our kids when we win. But I'm far more concerned that our kids learn to play like winners. And that's what I saw in the finish to this extraordinary game.

Over the years, I've also seen teams that haven't handled adversity well. It never ends well.

Instead of lifting each other up, they bring each other down.

Instead of being unselfish, they put ME before WE.

Instead of accepting their role, they feel sorry for themselves.

Instead of believing in each other, they believe they deserve more.

Instead of supporting the coach, they think they know better.

And it's not true just for sports. It can happen in your school, with your family, or at your church. 

Difficulties can pull us together, or they can tear us apart.

They can make us bitter or they can make us better.

The best people rally together in hard times. They don't panic or act poorly simply because there's adversity. They believe doing things the right way will eventually lead to great things coming your way.

It might not happen in this moment, in this game.

But in life, if you're surrounded by good teammates, you'll never fail alone. Your team will be there to pick you up, even when you score at the wrong basket.

You'll move through the difficulties. You'll learn from them.

And eventually, if you keep doing the things successful people do, you'll give yourself the best chance to be successful.

How are you responding to difficulties? Are they making you bitter or better? I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on  or .

11 Must-Have Qualities of Authentic Leadership

I could tell she felt overlooked and undervalued as she shared what happened. I just tried to listen and be as understanding as possible. She felt like a leader had let her down. She felt diminished.

And I hate to see someone feel that way.

She had gone to a lot of work. It was a job well done. But she felt like no one noticed. At least, he didn't notice. The leader hadn't noticed her efforts.

Maybe she felt like no one ever notices? Her words came out defeated.

I felt empathy for her. But I also felt empathy for the leader. I don't think it was intentional. In fact, I'm almost certain it wasn't intentional.

And I couldn't help but think there were probably times someone else felt that way about my leadership, in spite of my best intentions.

Leadership is tough. Whether you're a principal, a teacher, a parent or just about anyone. If you've been in a leadership role, you've carried an important responsibility with that. It's a responsibility to your followers, to the people you're leading.

You feel that weight, that responsibility...if you're a good leader.

But you also know at some point, you're going to let someone down. Someone is going to be disappointed. They're going to feel like you made the wrong decision. Like you devalued their work. Like you didn't give your full support.

So let's just keep this in mind. Effective leadership must give grace.

But leadership needs grace too.

In the end, we can't expect our leaders to be perfect. We just need them to be authentic.

And we need them to do what's right and to always care about their followers.

So what does it mean to be an authentic leader? It doesn't mean you're perfect. You'll probably still fall short sometimes. But it does mean you're willing to be open, honest, and real. And it means you'll do everything you can to step up for the people counting on you.

Here are 11 Must-Have Qualities of Authentic Leadership. These are challenging for sure, but they are the qualities I aspire to meet. Of course, too often I fall short. But I'm still trying.

1. Lead with your heart.

It's important to care about others, not just for what they can do for you, but because you genuinely care. Because they matter. When you lead with your heart, you also listen with your heart. Be understanding.

2. Shoulder blame.

When something goes wrong, don't try to minimize it or deflect it. If it was your mistake, just own it. Apologize for it. Make it right. And then move forward from it.

3. Share credit.

Invest in the success of others. Be generous with recognizing their contributions. Be happy when they do well, in their professional or personal lives.

4. See the best in others.

And believe the best in others. Lift them up. See them for all the good they are and all the great they are becoming. Never underestimate someone or diminish their abilities. Never.

5. Seek criticism.

Authentic leaders want to know what they can do better. They want to know how their followers are experiencing their leadership. They want feedback, even when it's critical.

6. Lead with optimism.

Your attitude, positive or negative, will determine what kind of leader you will become. Effective leadership hinges on choices, not circumstances. Good leaders are positive even when things are tough.

7. Speak with honesty.

There is no effective substitute for the truth. Authentic leaders always speak truth, but they do it with all the understanding, care, and concern that's possible.

8. Manage emotions.

Leaders must have their emotional abilities in hand. It's difficult to lead if your emotions are running your life. You must feel all your feelings, even the distressing emotions. But you must respond in healthy ways, and not react in destructive ways.

9. Be a positive example.

Do what's right, not what's easy. Whatever qualities you want to see in others, demonstrate those qualities. Your example is your influence. It's the most powerful thing you have. Everyone is watching to see what the leader will do.

10. Be courageous.

Be willing to take a risk. To set things in motion. To move ahead. Lots of people see ways things should be different. A leader is willing to take action and lead others to take action to make things different. But it requires courage.

11. Be willing to grow and learn.

Authentic leaders do not have a rigid view of themselves. They are open to changing their leadership when they learn something new or they are presented with new information. It's important to be flexible and always be learning.

What else would you add to this list? How would you take these ideas deeper? Leave a comment below or respond on or . Your feedback makes us all stronger.

11 Things to Be Instead of Comfortable

As I reflect on 2017, one of the things that's been on my mind this past year more than just about anything else is the importance of risk taking. I am on a mission to crush apathy, in my own practice, in our school, and for our students. 

And why is that so important to me? I can't think of anything that is more detrimental to the pursuit of excellence than complacency and apathy. 

In the first few years of an educator's career, it's tough to be apathetic. You are in survival mode. There is so much to learn. But for many, once there is kind of an equilibrium, it's easy to just settle into a comfortable groove and start coasting a little. The initial passion can wear off, and the easy thing to do is to get a little stale.

For students, as the years wear on, engagement in school tends to decline. Far too many students are going through the motions, playing the game of school, and just getting by. The focus is often on getting a certain grade or achieving whatever level of success is acceptable to self and to parents, but the idea of passionate learning or the pursuit of self-mastery is completely lost on most.

The chart below demonstrates just how students view their own engagement, as reported by Gallup. There is a consistent decline in engagement from 5th grade late into high school. These numbers are unacceptable to me. 

And even more concerning is my suspicion that apathy is possibly worse than even this data reveals. Many of our best students would report they are engaged, but if you really listen to the things they say about school, they primarily see it as a means to an end. They would likely report themselves as engaged, but not because they are enthusiastic learners so much as because they are willing to jump through the right hoops to get where they want to be.

So I am on a mission to pursue excellence and crush apathy. And it starts with me. I need to examine the ways I am taking risks and how I'm pursuing excellence in my personal and professional life. I want to push out of my comfort zone to do the things that will accelerate my growth. As John Maxwell writes, "There is no growth in your comfort zone and no comfort in your growth zone."

I'm not interested in playing the game of school. I want to see high impact, meaningful experiences in everything we do. 

So in 2018, let's step out of the comfort zone and embrace the challenge of growth and excellence. 

Here are 11 things I want to be to push beyond what's comfortable:

1. Passionate-A passionate, caring educator makes all the difference. Imagine what your school would be like if every person brought great passion every day. Craig Groeschel (@craiggroeschel) writes that apathy makes excuses, while passion finds a way. 

2. Desperate-That word may seem surprising, but we need a sense of urgency about the work we are doing. Be desperate to see every student succeed. Bring that type of energy.

3. Daring-Be bold. Be audacious. Don't retreat from a chance to make a difference.

4. Determined-Nothing worthwhile is easy. It's a struggle. There will be challenges and obstacles. It's an uphill climb. Crushing apathy will take our deepest resolve.

5. Committed-We hear a lot about accountability in education. But apathy just hides from accountability. It does just enough. What we really need is more commitment, not more accountability.

6. Brokenhearted-It's possible to become hardened and even cynical as an educator. The challenges are immense. But I never want to lose a soft heart, a broken heart for students, colleagues, for all others. I want to exhibit empathy in each day.

7. Significant-I want to live a life of consequence. I want to make a difference. And I'm pretty sure you do too. The search for significance is shared by everyone. We want our lives to matter. But it won't happen if your own comfort is your priority.

8. Creative-Don't ever say you aren't creative. Everyone is creative. Every thought we have is a creation of our mind. You have ideas that the world needs. But you have to push them out there. Don't hide your creative light.

9. Extraordinary-The difference between the ordinary and the extraordinary is that little extra. 

10. Courageous-Fear is one of the greatest things holding us back. We are born with only two fears, the fear of heights and the fear of loud noises. But we learn to fear so much more because we want to feel safe and comfortable. But it's not the way to crush apathy or pursue excellence. You have to be willing to put aside fear and pursue risk.

11. Curious-Start with questions. Question everything. Asking the right questions will push you out of your comfort zone as quick as anything. Growth is fueled when curiosity is flourishing in a learner.

Are you willing to step out of your comfort zone in the coming year? What else would you add to the list? I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on or . 

5 Ways to Lend Your Strength to Students

I'm interested in how educators can help students develop resilience and problem solving. On the one hand, students need to develop independence and healthy coping. On the other hand, caring adults need to provide appropriate support.

After all, we have more wisdom, life experience, and emotional support than most students. You never know what they are facing at home. You never know the battles they are fighting on the inside. Life can be tough.

It's not uncommon to see difficult behaviors surfacing as a result of what a kid is dealing with on the inside. Kids don't need more judgment, harshness, or anger in their lives. What they really need is for the caring adults in their life to lend them some strength to carry on, to help them get to a place where they can be stronger on their own.

Remember, how you treat your students says far more about you than it says about them. No matter how they act or what they say, you have the opportunity to speak encouragement and hope into their day.

Here are five ways to offer your strength and dignity to a student who is struggling. It's all about lifting them up and helping them stand on their own.

1. Focus on who students are becoming, not just who they are right now.

Every kid needs someone to believe in them, to advocate for them, to champion for them. You never know who this child might become some day. He or she has great value and worth, and you can help shine a light on it.

2. Show acceptance even when you can't show approval of the behavior.

Students are going to make harmful decisions. But don't make it all about you. Their job is not to please you. We want them to be better people, not just compliant students. So show them you care for them even when you have to correct them. 

3. Never give up on any student. Little miracles happen every day.

Kids who are hurting the most often cry out for love in the most harmful ways. It can be easy to give up on them. Sometimes it seems impossible. But you can be a mother's best hope. You know she wants to see her child succeed. Say, "You can do this! This is important. I believe in you."

4. Value people over performance.

Your value as a person should not be based on successes or failures, wins or losses, how you look, the size of your bank account, who your friends are, or even how much you accomplish today. We need to treat every person will great care and concern simply because they are worthy of all the human dignity we can offer. 

5. Offer a quiet voice, an open mind, and a patient response. 

When you give a student your full attention in the moment, you are giving a valuable gift. Just listen. Don't react. Don't try to solve the problem. Just listen and encourage. Be patient. What is making us think we have more important things to do? I am writing this for me as much as anyone. I can be terribly distracted. I want to do better.

If we build great relationships with kids and combine that with high expectations and support, we can help students be stronger and find a new path.

Are you in a place to lend your strength to a student? What gifts can you offer to make them stronger? Share a comment below or respond on or .

5 Reflective Questions to Encourage a Growth Mindset

A teacher at one of our elementary schools shared this recently. She was talking about how she encourages her students to persist in the face of difficulties.

Instead of saying something that makes a wrong answer seem like a curse or worse, she encourages the process. She says to students with curiosity and wonder, "Oh, that's my favorite mistake!"

Students are then able to view problem-solving as something that is not just about getting a right answer. It's about having thinking that perseveres. It's about staying with the problem longer.

Thomas Edison failed over and again in trying to invent the incandescent light bulb. He documented 1,000 failed attempts before he was successful. When a reported asked him how it felt to fail 1,000 times, he replied, "I didn't fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps." 

Our district has adopted new math curriculum, and it's challenging. But kids are rising to the occasion. And a big reason it's successful is the focus on the process and the greatness of teachers to promote perseverance and model growth-mindset thinking.

Here are five questions to ask your students to help them reflect on their own mindset. The questions might need some unpacking for younger students. But I think all kids can think about these ideas.

1. When I start to feel like quitting, what will I do in that moment to persevere?

This might be the most powerful question on the list. When people decide exactly how they will respond to a difficulty in advance, they are far more likely to push through in the face of the challenge.

2. What are my thoughts telling me about how successful I might be at learning this skill? If these thoughts are limiting to me, how might I think differently?

Lots of kids are thinking thoughts that are self-limiting. "I'm not good at math" for instance. It's helpful to think of phrases that are filled with belief and resourcefulness to replace the negative thinking. Teachers can help students find the words for this.

3. What am I saying or doing to myself that is holding me back?

There are many things that can undermine a growth mindset. Excuses, justifications, worries, perfectionist thinking, thought patterns, past failures, etc. It's important to recognize what unhelpful beliefs students need to overcome.

4. What would I want my teacher to say to me when he/she sees me taking a risk, trying hard, or pushing through mistakes to pursue this goal?

This question is helping to shift the perspective to expecting success. When I try hard, good things happen. My teacher will say this to me, and that feels good.

5. Imagine how you will feel when you accomplish something that is really challenging. Describe that feeling. 

Again, this one is beginning with the end in mind. Getting a picture of success is so important. Humans are the only creatures on the planet with imagination. We can experience the whole range of emotions through our minds. Visualization is extremely valuable. It teaches the brain to expect success.

When gymnast Mary Lou Retton won her first gold medal, a reporter asked her, "How does it feel to win gold?" 

She replied, "Just like it's always felt."

"But this is your first gold medal?" said the puzzled reporter.

"Yes, I know. But I've experienced this moment thousands of times in my mind," she explained.

The power of belief cannot be understated.

What do you think about these questions? Do you have suggestions for other questions that might be helpful for students? Leave a comment below or respond on or .

Don't Let What's Urgent Keep You From What's Important

I bet you are a fantastic problem solver. Most educators have developed this ability because problems come at you all day long. And you make hundreds of decisions from dawn till dusk.

Our time is a precious resource that can be extremely scarce because of all the demands we face. If we're not careful, the tyranny of the urgent will consume us and may crowd out time for what's most important.

Can we agree that the things that are most urgent are often not the most important? Reflect on your day. There were things you felt had to be done. But at what cost?

When you spend all your time dealing with urgent matters, not considering what things would have the highest leverage for success, you are simply spinning your wheels. Lots of activity not going anywhere.

Benjamin Franklin dedicated 5 hours of his week to learning. His personal growth and learning was a priority. Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, and Oprah Winfrey also share this personal commitment to learn at least one hour a day and probably more.

You will never reach your growth potential if you are captive to the urgent.

We did a strengths finder with our staff about a year ago. It was a survey instrument that gave us feedback on our strength areas. We shared these out in a meeting and enjoyed reflecting on how our differences make us collectively strong.

But we all got a chuckle when I asked for teachers to raise their hands if love of learning (one of the characteristics) made their top five strengths. Surprisingly, in this sizable group of educators, only 2-3 teachers had it in their top five.

Of course, I think our teachers love learning. But I also wonder how much of a priority we are giving to our own growth and learning. I challenge you to spend at least 5 hours a week learning and see how it impacts your effectiveness.

For me, my learning each week involves reading, blogging, connecting with other educators on Twitter, and thinking and reflecting. 

Make time to support your own growth and learning and watch how it influences the learning and growth of your students.

The most successful people in the world are extremely busy and they are still finding time to read and learn consistently. Don't let the urgent things rule over you. Take back what's important and invest in your own growth.

How are you growing and making time for the 5-hour rule? What are you reading? Leave a comment below or share your thoughts on or .

11 Things You Might Unintentionally Be Communicating to Your Students

Some things we communicate intentionally. And sometimes when we fail to communicate intentionally, we send a message that we didn't mean to send.

Here are 11 things you might unintentionally be communicating to your students.

1. When you don't wait for all students to get quiet and give you their attention before you start talking, you might be communicating that it's not really important that they listen to you.

2. If you complain about the school, other teachers, or the way things are, your students will probably think it's okay to be negative about the school, other teachers, and probably your classroom too.

3. When you pass a student in the hall or they enter your room and you don't say hello or call them by name, they may think you don't really care about them.

4. If you give a grade for every assignment or activity and talk about how "this or that is going to be on the test," your students may think your class is more about grades than learning.

5. If the questions you ask have just one correct answer, there's a good chance your students will think your class is all about right answers, not about being better thinkers.

6. If you only recognize the 'A' students or celebrate the kids who have high test scores, that may communicate that only the 'smart' kids matter and that growth is not valued.

7. If you make mistakes in front of your students and then act defensive or embarrassed, you might be sending the message that only perfection is accepted and risk taking is not appreciated.

8. When you break a school policy or act like the rules are no big deal, you might send the message you don't really value a culture of respect and shared responsibility.

9. If you aren't intentional about making your classroom innovative and future driven, you may be sending the message to students that what their parents learned in school will be good enough for them too.

10. When you come in dragging, lack energy, or just don't give your best, you might be communicating to students that it's okay to try hard only when you feel like it.

11. If you don't give students choices in their learning or opportunities to pursue their passions, they may view learning as more about compliance than actually being about...well...learning.

We have to be very careful about what we are communicating. Kids are always watching. They want to see alignment between our words and actions. They are looking to see what we really think, what we really believe, and how much we really care about them.

What is being communicated in your school unintentionally? I think that's a good question to consider. I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or share on or .

Fewer Excuses, More Solutions

What stands in the way of a brighter future and better schools? 

Well, mostly people. 

People who tell others they can't or won't.

People who crush dreams and steal hope.

People who won't be parents to their kids.

People just showing up and going through the motions.

People who want higher test scores more than inspired learning.

People who cling to the past like it's a security blanket.

People who protect the status quo.

People making decisions for schools who are removed from the realities of what schools face.

People who spew hate and discord.

People who don't make kids a priority.

People who are selfish.

People who turn on each other, or a good leader, when something goes wrong instead of battening down the hatches.

People who make performance in sports or academics or anything more important in a kid's life than being a person of high character and respect.

People who make their own comfort their primary concern.

People who are petty.

People who complain about other people. I hate that!

People who are negative, pessimistic, or who go on rants. Rants are the worst!

Well, that felt good. But the problem is the more I think about the items on my rant list, I realize I'm probably guilty of many at some time or another. Like complaining or ranting. Ha! 

As they say, it takes one to know one. In fact, someone suggested the things we tend to like the least in ourselves, we often magnify in others. In other words, we're more likely to see faults in others in areas we too have struggles. 

And here's the other thing, it doesn't do any good to complain about what other people need to do. We need fewer excuses and more solutions. We need less focus on problems and more focus on actions. It starts with us. I cannot control another person, but I can control me. 

I can encourage.

I can reach out.

I can step out.

I can lead up.

I can lift up.

I can never give up.

I can be the change I want to see. 

I can set the example. 

I can keep growing and giving. 

I can dream of a better future.

I can work to be stronger myself, cause I have plenty of room to grow and learn. 

I'd like to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on or .

9 Mistakes That Sabotage Your Classroom Management

If you've followed my blog, you might know I really like to refer to classroom management as classroom leadership. But that's not how we typically think of it.

Regardless of what we call it, it's challenging. It's one of the toughest things for early career teachers to get a handle on. And even seasoned teachers will have their fair share of challenges and not know how to respond in every situation.

It really has to be an ongoing process of learning and growth. No one ever has it all figured out.

So if you're struggling with student behaviors, give yourself a break. Keep working at it. Learn from others. Study different methods. And reflect on your own failures and successes.

In this post, I'm looking at some of the BIG mistakes that can happen when a teacher is frustrated or has a lapse in judgement. It's important to think about these in advance to plan for these NEVER to happen. When they do, it undermines the development of a positive classroom and healthy culture of learning.

These behaviors are harmful to kids and can harm your ability to develop a respectful, orderly classroom environment.

9 Mistakes That Will Sabotage Your Classroom Management

1. Painting a child into a corner.

Your most challenging students will often try to engage the teacher in power struggles. A skilled teacher can avoid these high stakes moments. The goal is to stop a disruptive behavior while also keeping the student in class. It's important to avoid a showdown between student and teacher. These situations end up with everyone losing. The teacher doesn't have to win in the moment. The situation needs to be addressed in the moment, but fully resolving a problem can happen at a later time. After some time passes, the results are often much better than escalating the situation when emotions are hot. 

2. Handling private matters publicly.

Students don't want to lose face in front of their peers. You can always delay and say, "Let's talk about this later." Just be sure to follow up as you promised. If a student feels disrespected or belittled in front of others, it will not end well. Try to keep tough conversations private. The tone will often be much different when there is not an audience.

3. Failing to give a kid a fresh start.

We all want to have an opportunity for a fresh start. We don't want to be judged by our worst moments. Our students need forgiveness too. So after an issue is resolved, let the student know they have a clean slate. Today is a new day. Let them know you believe in them and expect them to do great.

4. Using cutting sarcasm.

Sarcasm can be very dangerous. I've seen it used in a way that is not threatening and is just playful, but sarcasm can be degrading and manipulating. The best advice is to not use sarcasm at all. 

5. Speaking poorly of someone's friends or family.

Never criticize a student's friends or family members. You can certainly stand up for what's right, but don't pass judgments on people. It's also very important to never talk badly about a student when they are not present. If you wouldn't make a comment in front of that student's mother or grandmother, you probably shouldn't say it to a group of students or another teacher. If your harsh comment gets back to the student, it will be difficult to ever repair the relationship.

6. Speaking poorly of another staff member.

Never criticize another staff member in front of students as this creates a toxic environment. And, always defend a colleague if students are being critical. Even fair criticism isn't fair when it's shared at the wrong time and location. Tell your students if they have a concern with another teacher they should go talk to that person directly. If you have a concern with another teacher, you too should speak to them directly about it and not complain about them behind their back.

7. Losing control of your own behavior.

Always remember you're the adult and a professional. You have to stay in control of yourself and your actions. If you act badly, it will make it much more difficult to address the student's misbehavior. The student and the parents will be focused on what you did instead of focusing the responsibility on the student's own actions. I can't tell you how many times I've worked to help a student reflect on their own bad behavior, but they are focused on what the teacher did instead. Sometimes that happens when the teacher was completely upright. But sometimes it's because the teacher showed up poorly in the situation.

8. Comparing a student to a sibling or another student. 

Avoid comparing students to one another or to a brother or sister. These types of judgments chip away at dignity. You wouldn't want to be subjected to public comparisons with another teacher. Students don't like this either. Even comments like "Your sister was so smart or funny" that seem positive may chip away at a student's dignity. People want to be noticed for who they are and not compared to someone else.

9. Rushing to judgment without listening.

This one encompasses so much. It's easy to jump to conclusions or make assumptions in the course of a day working with students. Teachers make so many decisions. I shared recently about a situation where I really embarrassed myself by making a quick judgment in a situation. The key is slow down and approach problems with a sense of curiosity. Work to understand what is going on with the child, what needs they are trying to meet, or why they are not successful even when expectations are clear and consistent. In a recent post, I shared 21 phrases that can help with these conversations.

Of course, there are many other factors involved in building a positive classroom culture. What are some of your thoughts? Leave a comment below or respond on or .