Showing posts with label Parent Voice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parent Voice. Show all posts

Monday, October 16, 2017

The Facts and the Stories We Tell Ourselves Based on the Facts



I've been planning to write this post for the past two years. That's right. It's been that long. I'm not sure why I didn't write it sooner. But the events of this weekend swiftly and certainly moved these ideas off the sidelines.

Friday night we had home football. There is always some stress associated with each home game. Our admin team often jokes about how much easier the road games are. There are just so many things that can go wrong with large crowds. On top of that, I was at the end of a long week and physically tired. That's typical for Friday night, right?

So I noticed a Twitter post after halftime that tagged our school. I knew the individual who posted it and have a very good relationship with him, although we haven't interacted that often. 

But I quickly became offended by the post. How could this person publicly criticize the school? He should know better than that. He manages people and events and must understand the challenges that come with that. Social media is not the place to air your concerns, at least not initially. Come talk to me. Give me a chance to solve the problem.

So...

I quickly fired off a text message to the individual expressing my frustration and disappointment.

Then came the reply, "Should I delete it?"

"Well, of course you should," I thought.

I responded in another message ramping up my indignation.

And then when his next reply came, I got it. He clarified and all of the sudden, it was clear. It hit me all at once. It almost took the air out of me. He didn't mean it that way! I took it wrong!

In my haste, I completely misunderstood the comment. I missed it completely.

I went back and read it again. Any other person reading the Tweet would NOT have taken it the way I did. I had started climbing the assumption ladder and had gone straight to the top rung.

Time to own my mistake. My very embarrassing mistake.

I sent my apologies. I tried to explain. I told him he did nothing wrong. I should know better. It's totally on me. I'm sorry. I felt terrible.

Fortunately, the person on the other end was gracious in accepting my apology. Looking back, I can't even believe I made this mistake. I practice these skills every day. Not assuming. Trying to understand the other person's perspective. Not jumping to conclusions.


Retrieved: http://metothepowerofwe.com/me-to-the-power-of-we/assume-dangerous-act/


So how does this happen?

A couple of years ago I read the book Crucial Conversations. It is the best thing I've ever read about effective communication when the stakes are high, when there might be strong opposing thoughts or opinions.

One part in particular is so important for us in keeping conversations safe. We have to be careful about the stories we tell ourselves. Here are a few of the big ideas I took from the book.

Stories Cause Feelings

Someone else doesn't make you mad. You get angry because of the story you tell yourself. "I feel bad because of my story, not your actions." Emotions don't settle in like fog. Others don't make you mad. You make you mad. You tell yourself a story, and the story leads to the emotional response. Once these stories take hold, they have a life of their own.

Avoid Silence or Violence

To keep good dialogue, we have to keep safety in the conversation. If we lose safety, the conversation will turn to one or the other or both parties holding back and not being honest or lashing out and taking cheap shots. Neither silence nor violence is a healthy response. We want to develop shared meaning and be totally honest. We want to learn from the conversation, not be right or wrong.

Stories Are How We Explain Why, How, and What Is Happening To Us

So even when presented with exactly the same set of circumstances, we will determine if it is positive or negative based on the story we tell ourselves. Our story is how we attach significance to these events. We decide the level of significance based on the story we tell.

Many Possible Responses

For every set of circumstances, there is not just one way to respond. My emotions are NOT the only valid response. So just because such and such happens to me doesn't mean I have to respond in a certain way. There are many possible responses.

Slow Down

The thing that got me in trouble was how quickly I settled on the story in my mind based on the Tweet I was reading. I attached a certain meaning almost immediately. I didn't consider any other possibilities. Several things had happened earlier that primed me for this response, but no matter, I still wouldn't have failed in communicating if I would've slowed down or even consulted with someone else before drawing conclusions.

Three Stories

We tend to tell ourselves three types of stories to explain things we don't like. We also use these stories to justify our own bad behavior.

Victim Stories - "It's not my fault."
Villain Stories - "It's all your fault."
Helpless Stories - "There's nothing else I can do."

Stories Result in a Path to Action

1. See/hear (facts)
2. Tell a story (interpretation of facts)
3. Feel (emotions)
4. Act (choose a response)

Our path to action may seem reasonable and certain, but if it is based on a story and a feeling, we may act in ways that are not helpful. I saw the Tweet on Friday night and immediately told myself a story. Then I felt upset and even angry. And that led to the awkward text message conversation that ensued. Oh my...

So this is really practical stuff that we can apply daily. In fact, the entire book has great wisdom for educators. We deal with so many crucial conversations. It happens all day, every day. It's important to develop these skills.

It's so important to remember there are the facts and then there are the stories we tell ourselves based on the facts. To close, here are four questions to ask that can help to avoid the crazy dance of some of our stories.

1. Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?
2. Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this? This one would have stopped me cold on Friday night.
3. What do I really want?
4. What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?

I encourage you to read Crucial Conversations. I still mess it up sometimes (obviously), but the book was really helpful for me in dealing with difficult situations. Have you noticed yourself telling stories and jumping to conclusions? Maybe with student behaviors? Or colleagues? Are you retreating to silence or resorting to violence in your conversations? I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

11 Positive Tips for Dealing with Difficult Parents


It's often the most dreaded part of a teacher's job—dealing with difficult parents. When you have "that parent" it's so easy to just avoid picking up the phone to make a call home. It doesn't seem worth it. Death and public speaking are counted among people's greatest fears. Many educators would add calling an angry parent to the list.

It's especially true for those new to the profession, even though I think all teachers struggle with this to an extent. Most people don't enjoy dealing with negative emotions or unreasonable expectations. But avoiding the problem won't make it go away.

But the right approach can make working with any parent a more positive experience. And if you win the parents' support, it will make your job so much easier and help the child be more successful. Here are 11 ideas for making parent interactions more productive.

1. Be Proactive

Don't wait until there is a problem before you start to build a relationship with parents. Reach out to them and let them know that you are committed to helping their child succeed. If certain parents are known to be critical or unreasonable, communicate early and often to prevent misunderstandings and build some positive feelings. Rik Rowe has been a leader in promoting #GoodCallsHome on Twitter. The idea is to make regular phone calls to share good news with parents. Then if there is a problem, it won't be the first time you've called.

2. Find Common Ground

When having a difficult conversation with a parent, do everything you can to establish shared purpose. Parents want their kids to be successful and so do you. Focus on how the problem is impacting their child, not how it's impacting you, the classroom, or other students. While those are all important areas of concern for you, parents tend to focus on the success of their child. Let the parents know you want to work with them to address the issue.

3. Focus on the Positive

Every kid has positive qualities that need to be recognized. It's important to focus on these first in communicating with parents. It takes several positive comments to overcome one negative one. It's also important to focus on communicating positive intentions. Work together with the parent to establish some improvement goals that will benefit the student.


4. Listen

When difficult conversations turn to damaging conversations, it's usually because the school is more interested in being right than trying to understand the perspective of the parent. LISTEN. Don't be quick to judge. Be curious. What is eliciting this idea or emotion from the parent? Show you are listening by paraphrasing what the parent is saying before you add something new. Ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand.

5. Show How Much You Care

When parents know how much you care about their child, it builds trust and makes the teacher and parent relationship stronger. You can show how much you care by getting to know your students, taking an interest in their activities and hobbies, and making extra efforts to help them. Parents know you care when they feel you completely, and unconditionally accept their child and want what's best for him or her.

6. Don't Lose Your Empathy

Even when parents are angry, demanding, and unreasonable, commit to keep your mindset in a place of empathy. Don't take the negative emotion personal. It's not about you. Even if it is, it's not helpful to take it personally. Strong emotions are often elicited because parents want the best for their kids. Sometimes, the parents are dealing with other trauma or hardship and the frustrations of life get released on you. Not fun. But stay with empathy. It's tough to be a parent, especially when life is painful and filled with hardship.

7. Stay Firm

Just because you start and end with empathy doesn't mean you should give in to whatever demands the parent has. Ultimately, you have to make decisions based on your professional experience and what's best for the child. Although parent input is a must, the final decision rests with you. So be firm about what options will work and don't offer something that isn't a wise choice.

8. It's Okay to Negotiate

Although you must be firm on some decisions, it's also okay to negotiate with parents. Some give and take is necessary to maintain a spirit of cooperation. If you turn down every request a parent has they will view you as rigid and uncaring. In education, our end users are the students and parents. We should do everything within reason to ensure they are satisfied and having a positive experience.

9. Ask for Support

One of the best things you can do is share your parent struggles with your principal or a colleague. The can provide support and encouragement to you. And, they may have information to add to the mix to help you understand how to proceed in a situation.

10. Don't Get Backed Into a Corner

It's always best to keep multiple options available and not get backed into a corner. Instead of making promises you may not be able to keep, take a tentative stance that will allow for some wiggle room if you need it. It's always best to underpromise and overdeliver. 

Probably the quickest way to get cornered is to say or do something that is disrespectful to the parent or child. Clearly, it's not a good idea to ever act unprofessionally. But it happens. And as soon as the teacher (or principal) has made this mistake, that issue will take center stage over any of the issues that need to be addressed with the student.

11. Set Boundaries

Most parents respect boundaries because they are kind and considerate. But difficult parents can plow through without any concern for you, your classroom, or good manners. When boundaries are crossed, it's important to politely, but directly establish expectations. If you clarify boundaries and still don't get cooperation, you should involve your principal.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Starting the journey towards 1:1



Yesterday I met with district leadership to officially get started toward what our digital future will be. We are establishing a committee to examine the digital readiness of our school and to explore the direction we need to take to fully support learning in our digital world. All along the way toward whatever may be I plan to blog about our journey. I hope to make our learning journey visible.

I have to admit I'm a little impatient. I really want to see students have the opportunity for consistent access throughout the school day and even beyond school. I feel like each day that passes is filled with missed opportunities for learning. But I realize we need to get this right. We need to enlist all the voices and get a shared vision and make the decisions confidently, knowing we had all the information we needed.


So here were a few thoughts from our district level meeting.

1. We need to assess what access our students have to devices at school and at home. We plan to develop a survey to do this.

2. Where are our teachers in their thinking on using technology in the classroom? How can we help everyone understand this is a learning initiative and not a really expensive project that won't change pedagogy.

3. We will ask our committee to help establish goals for our school. What do we really want our students to gain from their digital experience as learners?

4. Before we get too far into this process, we have to make sure our network infrastructure is right. We can't launch a new initiative on a crippled network.

5. We recognize that teachers need professional development for any digital initiative to be successful. What will that look like?

6. We will start with the big picture of why we are doing this and then move to more specific decisions about what, how, and when.

7. And one more that I considered after the meeting, how can we include student and parent voices in the process? We need engagement to arrive at the best solutions.

Our first committee meeting is in less than two weeks. Exciting stuff!