Showing posts with label Forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Forgiveness. Show all posts

Friday, January 31, 2020

7 Benefits of Apologizing to Your Students


No one is perfect. Not one of us. But if we're not careful, we can fall into the trap of thinking we have to act perfect. 

I find it puzzling how students sometimes have the idea that teachers/principals/educators are somehow above making mistake or should be above making mistakes. 

I remember when I was teaching 9th grade English how students would jump at the chance to point it out if I misspelled a word on the white board, as if I was suddenly an incompetent teacher. They would express shock and dismay that I would make such a mistake.

But without question, I made my fair share of mistakes, and I learned that it was best to admit them and help dispel the myth that teachers don't make mistakes.

But a bigger issue than spelling errors is how we show up in our relationships with our students. And guess what, we're still imperfect. We make mistakes in how we treat others sometimes too. And when we do, the right thing to do, and the most effective thing to do, is to admit our mistakes and apologize for them.

As a principal now, I try to model apologizing to our staff and to our students when I don't meet the mark. I've made more than my share of mistakes. It might be a small thing or it might be something bigger. It might have been overlooked or there might be hurt feelings. Regardless, it's hard to go wrong with a sincere apology.

Here are 7 reasons to apologize or express regret...

1. Shows You're Human

Kids sometimes think their teachers are above making mistakes. But kids need to know we're human too. We are doing the best we can, and we're going to make mistakes. Positive human behavior involves admitting mistakes.

2. Creates a Healthy Example

When students see us apologize and show regret for our actions, it helps them feel more confident to do the same. We get a clearer picture of how things really are when we are honest about our mistakes.

3. Shows Ownership of a Mistake

Students will be more likely to take risks if they know the teacher admits and takes ownership of his or her own mistakes in this classroom.

4. Builds Connection

When you admit mistakes, it makes your relationships stronger because students feel they can trust you.

5. Increases Your Influence

Some people fear admitting a mistake because they think other people will use it against them. But the opposite is usually true. When we admit mistakes, we appear smarter, more confident, and more sincere and that creates allies.

6. Shows You Care

People who won't admit mistakes are often self-focused and want to protect themselves rather than show they care about others. Admitting a mistake is a selfless decision.

7. Develops a Growth Mindset

When you have a growth mindset, you view mistakes as part of learning. Admitting a mistake and apologizing for it, if it hurt someone, is important to be able to move past it and learn from it.

How do you feel relationships are made stronger by apologizing? Can you apologize too much? I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter.

Friday, October 5, 2018

When Student Behavior Is Like Looking in the Mirror



I've been thinking quite a bit lately about negative student behaviors and how we respond effectively. 

Here are five ideas that have been on my mind...

1. Judge behaviors, not intentions.

It can be really easy to become judgmental about negative student behavior, especially when it's repetitive. It's always appropriate to be corrective about non-learning behaviors, but it isn't right to place ourselves in a position of greater worth than the student. We might think, I would never do that. It's like we think we're superior in some way. And then we make generalizations about their motives based on the behavior. We act as if we know what's going on in the student's heart. 

That's the type of judgment that causes resentment and steals dignity. Judgement isn't always a bad thing. We actually know having good judgement is a good thing. That's how we know when something is right or wrong. But relationships get crazy when we start to judge motives. That's not ours to judge. Judge behaviors. They are observable and there are standards that must be held. Don't judge intentions. We can never know another person's heart.

2. We make mistakes too, just like our students.

Every negative behavior a student exhibits is probably closely resembling a negative behavior I've exhibited in my own life at one time or another. If I'm really honest with myself, it's probably like I'm looking in the mirror. I may not have done that exact thing to the degree that it was done, but I've struggled with that issue at some point and acted in a similar manner. There are only so many categories of mistakes, and I'm pretty sure I've covered them all at one time or another.

3. Correct the issue and preserve the relationship.

Number two is really important because it reminds me to have empathy, to be understanding, and to work with a student through the issue instead of towering over them and being iron-fisted about the issue. We want to correct the issue and preserve the relationship. We need to walk through this with the student.

4. Are there certain student behaviors that really push my buttons more than others?

The things that push my buttons the most might be the things that I actually struggle with the most. It's ironic, but often we are less forgiving and less patient with the behaviors that are most like the ones we struggle with. Think about an issue that is a struggle for you. Are you especially hard on students when they make a mistake in this area? Maybe not if they make the mistake in the same way you do. But if they make it in a different way or to a greater degree, look out. It might push all your buttons.

5. Change the environment to help the child change his or her own behavior.

When students show up poorly and have behaviors that are destructive, I need to also look at the environmental factors at play. If I was in the same environment as the student, might I also act in this way? What can be changed about the environment to help the student make different choices? That does not relieve the student of responsibility or accountability for bad decisions, but I don't want to just enforce accountability. I want to help create conditions so the student will succeed next time.

I think we could all stand to be a little more patient with our students. Heck, sometimes we need to be a little more patient with ourselves too. Mistakes are opportunities to learn more about who we are and to reflect and become stronger, more caring people overall.

I would love to hear your thoughts as always. What's on your mind after reading this post? Leave a comment below or respond on Twitter or Facebook.

Wednesday, September 26, 2018

7 Tips for Difficult Conversations with Students



These tips are actually true for conversations with just about anyone, not only students. Too often I think we avoid having a difficult conversation about a topic because we aren't sure how it will go. We aren't sure if it will be productive, so we just remain silent.

Or, on the other hand, we know the topic might evoke some strong emotions, so we come at the conversation forcefully, from a position of dominance. It's the "my way or the highway" approach. That might get compliance from students, but it won't build trust or stronger relationships. Underneath it all, there will be a kid who resents you.

Neither of these approaches is successful. It's not good to be silent and avoid the topic. And it's not good to be aggressive and overbearing either. A healthy relationship is build on mutual trust that comes through respectful dialogue.

Here are five tips for having difficult conversations that create shared meaning and understanding.

1. Keep Dialogue Open

Let the student know that you are willing to listen and work together to solve the problem. Ask if they are willing to listen to your thoughts too. Keep the focus on the issue and not on sweeping generalizations like "You always..." or "You never..." statements. You might even ask the student, "How can we have this conversation in a way that is positive and helpful?"

2. Make Respect a Top Priority

Let the student know you believe it's possible to solve any problem if both parties are respectful of one another. Let the student know you will never intentionally disrespect him or her. Let them know you want to hear what they think about the issue. The words we use are powerful and communicate our level of respect. Your body language and tone of voice are equally important.

3. Describe Your Intentions

You might say, "I'm willing to discuss this as long as it takes until we both feel good about how it's resolved." Let the student know you're wanting a solution he or she can feel good about too. We're aiming for a WIN/WIN outcome, not my way or the highway. As the teacher, you don't have to prove you're in charge. You ARE in charge. You don't have to prove it. Work cooperatively with students to seek WIN/WIN solutions.

4. Be Curious, Not Furious

Ask questions to understand the student's perspective. Be curious about what they are experiencing. Say, "Tell me more" or "Go on" to show you are interested in hearing the details. Paraphrase what they say to you to show you're listening. My biggest mistake is talking too much. When I'm "telling" a student what I think should happen, I'm missing the opportunity to listen and better understand the student's perspective.

5. Avoid Countering

Countering results in arguments. We start debating the facts. We build our case. We prove our points. It's about "being right." Try to avoid this trap. Try to stay curious and avoid countering. Spend more time listening. The goal is to get to a place where both parties let their guard down and work together cooperatively.

6. Timing is Everything

In my first few years as a principal, I would sometimes choose horrible timing to try to address an issue. I thought it had to be resolved immediately. Usually, that's not true. Most of the time it can wait until cooler heads prevail. If I sense there is no way to have safe dialogue in the moment, I'll step away temporarily. And then I'll resume the conversation in a different location in a different time. This works much better than allowing a situation to escalate.

7. Focus on the Future

Every kid needs a fresh start every day. Time spent holding onto yesterday means less time moving forward today. Take inventory of the current situation, but then focus on the future. Where do we want our relationship to go from here? How can we work together to make the future brighter in this situation? What are we trying to accomplish? What will it look like if we are successful in resolving this problem?

Some people might view these tips as "going easy, or "being soft" or "having low expectations." I would completely disagree. We must have firm boundaries. What's easy is avoiding the conversation entirely. What's easy is being silent. What's easy is also using threats or power to get your way. What's hard is listening to a student, understanding their perspective, and guiding them in a way that is cooperative and respectful. We MUST have boundaries, and we MUST challenge behavior that is harmful to learning. But the way we do it can either build trust or destroy it. 

What are some of your strategies for having difficult conversations with students? I know you have some great tips to share. I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter.

Friday, July 20, 2018

5 Tips for Building Great Relationships with Students


Relationships are essential to learning. Kids connect more to learning when they feel more connection to their teacher. A great classroom environment begins by building great relationships. 

So how do you build great relationships with your students? Here are 5 tips I promise will make your relationships stronger. 

What if everyone in your school tried to get a little better at these five things every day? Wow! That would be an amazing school culture.

1. Connect with your students.

Learn your students' names...on the first day. Greet them at the door. Make eye contact. Smile. Ask them questions. Ask them their opinion about a movie or type of music or your teaching. Joke with them. Offer fist bumps and high fives. Know at least two things about each student that have nothing to do with school. 

2. Invest in your students.

Believe in your students. Look for opportunities to affirm their strengths. Build them up. Show your approval. You will have far more influence if they know you're in their corner. Plant seeds in their mind of the great things they will do in their future. Treat them like future world changers. "You're going places. You're going to do great things." Then point out how their incredible strengths will take them far.

3. Personalize learning for your students.

Meet students where they are. Get to know their passions and look for opportunities to connect learning to those interests. Provide experiences that allow individual strengths and personality to shine. Place responsibility on your students and let them know you trust them. Never teach down to your students. Teach them in ways that empower them as learners. 
  • How often do your students have input on how they will learn?
  • How often do your students have input on what they will learn?
  • Are your students given opportunities to lead conversations?
  • Are your classroom goals developed by the teacher alone or in partnership with students?
  • Do your students have some time to pursue their own goals?
  • How often do you ask your students for feedback on their experience in your classroom?

4. Give time and attention to your students.

Notice when a student is having a bad day. Offer encouragement. Make eye contact. Stop and really listen. There are so many people and things clamoring for your attention. To give your attention to something is an amazing gift. Too often we make our plans a higher priority than our purpose. Our purpose might be to connect with our students, but what about our plans for today? Can we let go of those for a couple of minutes?

You can also give time and attention by making that positive phone call home, writing that note of encouragement, or attending that ballgame or concert after school.

5. Forgive your students.

Every kid deserves a fresh start in your classroom every day. Time spent holding onto yesterday means less time moving forward today. Forgiveness protects the relationship. It allows you to set aside those frustrating moments with a kid and believe today can be better. It's part of being able to enjoy your students...all of them. They're kids and they're not always going to show up well in your classroom. If you enjoy them and take delight in them, even with their imperfections, you'll feel better about yourself and enjoy teaching far more.

I think we can all continue to grow in our ability to build stronger relationships. What ideas do you have for building relationships in your classroom or school? How will you grow stronger in this area? Leave a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter. I look forward to hearing from you.

Friday, October 27, 2017

9 Mistakes That Sabotage Your Classroom Management



If you've followed my blog, you might know I really like to refer to classroom management as classroom leadership. But that's not how we typically think of it.

Regardless of what we call it, it's challenging. It's one of the toughest things for early career teachers to get a handle on. And even seasoned teachers will have their fair share of challenges and not know how to respond in every situation.

It really has to be an ongoing process of learning and growth. No one ever has it all figured out.

So if you're struggling with student behaviors, give yourself a break. Keep working at it. Learn from others. Study different methods. And reflect on your own failures and successes.

In this post, I'm looking at some of the BIG mistakes that can happen when a teacher is frustrated or has a lapse in judgement. It's important to think about these in advance to plan for these NEVER to happen. When they do, it undermines the development of a positive classroom and healthy culture of learning.

These behaviors are harmful to kids and can harm your ability to develop a respectful, orderly classroom environment.

9 Mistakes That Will Sabotage Your Classroom Management

1. Painting a child into a corner.

Your most challenging students will often try to engage the teacher in power struggles. A skilled teacher can avoid these high stakes moments. The goal is to stop a disruptive behavior while also keeping the student in class. It's important to avoid a showdown between student and teacher. These situations end up with everyone losing. The teacher doesn't have to win in the moment. The situation needs to be addressed in the moment, but fully resolving a problem can happen at a later time. After some time passes, the results are often much better than escalating the situation when emotions are hot. 

2. Handling private matters publicly.

Students don't want to lose face in front of their peers. You can always delay and say, "Let's talk about this later." Just be sure to follow up as you promised. If a student feels disrespected or belittled in front of others, it will not end well. Try to keep tough conversations private. The tone will often be much different when there is not an audience.

3. Failing to give a kid a fresh start.

We all want to have an opportunity for a fresh start. We don't want to be judged by our worst moments. Our students need forgiveness too. So after an issue is resolved, let the student know they have a clean slate. Today is a new day. Let them know you believe in them and expect them to do great.

4. Using cutting sarcasm.

Sarcasm can be very dangerous. I've seen it used in a way that is not threatening and is just playful, but sarcasm can be degrading and manipulating. The best advice is to not use sarcasm at all. 

5. Speaking poorly of someone's friends or family.


Never criticize a student's friends or family members. You can certainly stand up for what's right, but don't pass judgments on people. It's also very important to never talk badly about a student when they are not present. If you wouldn't make a comment in front of that student's mother or grandmother, you probably shouldn't say it to a group of students or another teacher. If your harsh comment gets back to the student, it will be difficult to ever repair the relationship.

6. Speaking poorly of another staff member.

Never criticize another staff member in front of students as this creates a toxic environment. And, always defend a colleague if students are being critical. Even fair criticism isn't fair when it's shared at the wrong time and location. Tell your students if they have a concern with another teacher they should go talk to that person directly. If you have a concern with another teacher, you too should speak to them directly about it and not complain about them behind their back.

7. Losing control of your own behavior.

Always remember you're the adult and a professional. You have to stay in control of yourself and your actions. If you act badly, it will make it much more difficult to address the student's misbehavior. The student and the parents will be focused on what you did instead of focusing the responsibility on the student's own actions. I can't tell you how many times I've worked to help a student reflect on their own bad behavior, but they are focused on what the teacher did instead. Sometimes that happens when the teacher was completely upright. But sometimes it's because the teacher showed up poorly in the situation.

8. Comparing a student to a sibling or another student. 

Avoid comparing students to one another or to a brother or sister. These types of judgments chip away at dignity. You wouldn't want to be subjected to public comparisons with another teacher. Students don't like this either. Even comments like "Your sister was so smart or funny" that seem positive may chip away at a student's dignity. People want to be noticed for who they are and not compared to someone else.

9. Rushing to judgment without listening.

This one encompasses so much. It's easy to jump to conclusions or make assumptions in the course of a day working with students. Teachers make so many decisions. I shared recently about a situation where I really embarrassed myself by making a quick judgment in a situation. The key is slow down and approach problems with a sense of curiosity. Work to understand what is going on with the child, what needs they are trying to meet, or why they are not successful even when expectations are clear and consistent. In a recent post, I shared 21 phrases that can help with these conversations.

Of course, there are many other factors involved in building a positive classroom culture. What are some of your thoughts? Leave a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter.

Monday, October 16, 2017

The Facts and the Stories We Tell Ourselves Based on the Facts



I've been planning to write this post for the past two years. That's right. It's been that long. I'm not sure why I didn't write it sooner. But the events of this weekend swiftly and certainly moved these ideas off the sidelines.

Friday night we had home football. There is always some stress associated with each home game. Our admin team often jokes about how much easier the road games are. There are just so many things that can go wrong with large crowds. On top of that, I was at the end of a long week and physically tired. That's typical for Friday night, right?

So I noticed a Twitter post after halftime that tagged our school. I knew the individual who posted it and have a very good relationship with him, although we haven't interacted that often. 

But I quickly became offended by the post. How could this person publicly criticize the school? He should know better than that. He manages people and events and must understand the challenges that come with that. Social media is not the place to air your concerns, at least not initially. Come talk to me. Give me a chance to solve the problem.

So...

I quickly fired off a text message to the individual expressing my frustration and disappointment.

Then came the reply, "Should I delete it?"

"Well, of course you should," I thought.

I responded in another message ramping up my indignation.

And then when his next reply came, I got it. He clarified and all of the sudden, it was clear. It hit me all at once. It almost took the air out of me. He didn't mean it that way! I took it wrong!

In my haste, I completely misunderstood the comment. I missed it completely.

I went back and read it again. Any other person reading the Tweet would NOT have taken it the way I did. I had started climbing the assumption ladder and had gone straight to the top rung.

Time to own my mistake. My very embarrassing mistake.

I sent my apologies. I tried to explain. I told him he did nothing wrong. I should know better. It's totally on me. I'm sorry. I felt terrible.

Fortunately, the person on the other end was gracious in accepting my apology. Looking back, I can't even believe I made this mistake. I practice these skills every day. Not assuming. Trying to understand the other person's perspective. Not jumping to conclusions.


Retrieved: http://metothepowerofwe.com/me-to-the-power-of-we/assume-dangerous-act/


So how does this happen?

A couple of years ago I read the book Crucial Conversations. It is the best thing I've ever read about effective communication when the stakes are high, when there might be strong opposing thoughts or opinions.

One part in particular is so important for us in keeping conversations safe. We have to be careful about the stories we tell ourselves. Here are a few of the big ideas I took from the book.

Stories Cause Feelings

Someone else doesn't make you mad. You get angry because of the story you tell yourself. "I feel bad because of my story, not your actions." Emotions don't settle in like fog. Others don't make you mad. You make you mad. You tell yourself a story, and the story leads to the emotional response. Once these stories take hold, they have a life of their own.

Avoid Silence or Violence

To keep good dialogue, we have to keep safety in the conversation. If we lose safety, the conversation will turn to one or the other or both parties holding back and not being honest or lashing out and taking cheap shots. Neither silence nor violence is a healthy response. We want to develop shared meaning and be totally honest. We want to learn from the conversation, not be right or wrong.

Stories Are How We Explain Why, How, and What Is Happening To Us

So even when presented with exactly the same set of circumstances, we will determine if it is positive or negative based on the story we tell ourselves. Our story is how we attach significance to these events. We decide the level of significance based on the story we tell.

Many Possible Responses

For every set of circumstances, there is not just one way to respond. My emotions are NOT the only valid response. So just because such and such happens to me doesn't mean I have to respond in a certain way. There are many possible responses.

Slow Down

The thing that got me in trouble was how quickly I settled on the story in my mind based on the Tweet I was reading. I attached a certain meaning almost immediately. I didn't consider any other possibilities. Several things had happened earlier that primed me for this response, but no matter, I still wouldn't have failed in communicating if I would've slowed down or even consulted with someone else before drawing conclusions.

Three Stories

We tend to tell ourselves three types of stories to explain things we don't like. We also use these stories to justify our own bad behavior.

Victim Stories - "It's not my fault."
Villain Stories - "It's all your fault."
Helpless Stories - "There's nothing else I can do."

Stories Result in a Path to Action

1. See/hear (facts)
2. Tell a story (interpretation of facts)
3. Feel (emotions)
4. Act (choose a response)

Our path to action may seem reasonable and certain, but if it is based on a story and a feeling, we may act in ways that are not helpful. I saw the Tweet on Friday night and immediately told myself a story. Then I felt upset and even angry. And that led to the awkward text message conversation that ensued. Oh my...

So this is really practical stuff that we can apply daily. In fact, the entire book has great wisdom for educators. We deal with so many crucial conversations. It happens all day, every day. It's important to develop these skills.

It's so important to remember there are the facts and then there are the stories we tell ourselves based on the facts. To close, here are four questions to ask that can help to avoid the crazy dance of some of our stories.

1. Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?
2. Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this? This one would have stopped me cold on Friday night.
3. What do I really want?
4. What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?

I encourage you to read Crucial Conversations. I still mess it up sometimes (obviously), but the book was really helpful for me in dealing with difficult situations. Have you noticed yourself telling stories and jumping to conclusions? Maybe with student behaviors? Or colleagues? Are you retreating to silence or resorting to violence in your conversations? I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Focus On Who Students Are Becoming, Not Just Who They Are Right Now


I'm thankful I don't always get what I deserve. Sometimes maybe I've gotten worse, but far more often I've been blessed far beyond what I merited. It's because people believed in me even when I didn't have a clue. And the people who believed in me had a great influence on me.

As educators, we are working with immature human beings. They are kids. Of course, there are plenty of adults who still haven't matured, but that's what we're trying to avoid. We want to help students develop into mature, responsible grownups.

But it can be very challenging. As a teacher, you know you will be mistreated. It's just part of working in a school with kids who bring all their junk with them each day. We should also remember we're bringing our fair share of junk too.

Students are going to challenge your kindness. They aren't always going to appreciate your offers of help. They don't always respond the way we would like them to. And that's why it's important to keep a long-term perspective. Today may have been a really bad day. But let's make sure we have a fresh start tomorrow.

Let's focus on who students are becoming, not just who they are right now. The temptation is to treat students as they deserve. 

I'll treat them with dignity when they act with dignity. I'll show respect when they earn it. I'll show them kindness and help them when they live up to my expectations.

But what if we tried a different approach? What if we extend grace and treat them better than they deserve? What if we focused on showing them we believe in them? Why not try something different?

Today, as I was greeting kids coming into school, I got a good morning high five from a student who has been less than respectful to me this year. I was shocked. More than once, I've thought about directly addressing some of the passive-aggressive behaviors I've felt from the student. 

And that would've been a perfectly appropriate response. In fact, I think some teachers probably need to be more assertive in setting boundaries and communicating expectations. I never want to condone bad behavior. Accountability is important, but the most important thing is growth. Sometimes growth comes from giving someone space to grow.

So in this case, I decided to just continue being nice. I decided to keep smiling, saying hello, and brushing off the subtle offenses. I decided to treat the student with the most care and concern I could muster. And maybe it's working? The high five this morning was a good sign. But only time will tell.

When you extend grace, it can turn a heart around. Instead of allowing a student to create an adversarial relationship, refuse to be part of that. Continue with kindness.

How will you interact with your students? Will you treat them as they deserve? Or will you treat them like they might just change the world someday? I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on Twitter or Facebook.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Do You Want Things FROM Your Students Or FOR Your Students?


I'm guessing many students feel like school is a place where someone is always wanting something FROM them. 

Turn in your homework.

Stop talking.

Get busy. 

Walk in a straight line.

Follow instructions.

Pay attention.

Don't forget.

All of the demands can really weigh heavily after a while. For some, I'm guessing school starts to feel like a huge burden. They don't see the relevance. They feel like teachers are constantly wanting more FROM them, and they may not feel adequate to meet the expectations.

But maybe students don't understand the why behind all the expectations and requests. Maybe they don't realize that the best teachers, most teachers in fact, don't really want something FROM students. They want good things FOR their students.

The expectations and demands are intended to help students succeed now and in the future. The demands aren't because teachers want to make things easier for themselves or want to make things harder for their students. Teachers are successful when students are successful.

So I think we should spend more time and effort showing students what it is we want FOR them. And maybe we should spend a little less time talking about what we want FROM them.

Of course, expectations are part of life. And if students are going to be successful, there will be accountability. But they should always be reminded that the accountability we provide is because we care. It's because we want good things FOR them.

Teachers who get the best FROM their students are the same teachers who show their students how much they care FOR them. 

Try reminding your students you want these things FOR them...

FOR them to be leaders.

FOR them to develop strong character.

FOR them to believe in themselves.

FOR them to never stop growing.

FOR them to be more excited about learning when they leave us than when they started.

FOR them to demonstrate empathy and concern for others.

FOR them to learn from their mistakes.

FOR them to make the world a better place.

FOR them to learn more about who they are.

FOR them to build on their unique strengths.

FOR them to have hope.

FOR them to develop a great attitude.

FOR them to be adaptable to change.

FOR them to reach their potential.

FOR them to realize their dreams.

FOR them to feel like they belong.

FOR them to have healthy relationships.

FOR them to never give up.

FOR them to be curious, creative, and compassionate.

Question: How can we help students see school as a place that wants good things FOR them and not just FROM them? I want to hear from you. Leave a message below or respond on Facebook or Twitter.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

7 Tips for Limiting Problem Behaviors in Your Classroom


Several weeks ago, I shared a post discussing how effective teachers develop classroom leadership skills instead of viewing themselves as classroom managers. The post describes how great teachers are great leaders, too. They have leadership skills far beyond simply managing classroom structures, procedures, etc. Great leaders connect with people. They inspire people. They don't just make people do stuff. They inspire people to want to become their best.

In our school, we've spent quite a bit of time this year working on strategies and procedures for addressing difficult student behaviors more effectively. We often think new teachers have the most room to grow in this area, but every educator should always continue to develop the ability to influence students to make positive choices. Ultimately, we want all students to contribute constructively to a better classroom learning culture.

So here are 7 quick ideas for building classroom culture and limiting those problem behaviors. 

1. Treat students with respect no matter how they behave.

Building a culture of respect is critical for classroom success. You may be tempted to get your feelings tangled up in addressing a student behavior issue. Don't. If you are having strong negative feelings toward a child, it's probably not the time to have an in-depth conversation about his or her behavior. It's okay to delay the talk until later when you've had time to process your feelings and can meet with the child in a productive manner. Note: It's okay to have upset feelings about unacceptable classroom behaviors, and it's okay to express these feelings in a productive way. But you don't want to do something that harms the relationship or robs dignity from a child.

One time during a pep assembly a group of our students did something that went directly against what I had asked them to do. And I felt hurt and angered by the choice. After the assembly, I gave them a passionate speech about how disappointed I was. I told them how much I cared about them, how I wanted to trust them, and how I would never intentionally disrespect them. This talk was filled with emotion on my part. I was intense. But I didn't disrespect anyone. I just tried to lead with my heart. In the end, I did not regret how I addressed the incident, and I think it was a productive response.

2. Be future-focused.

None of us wants our past mistakes held against us. We want to be forgiven and for people to give us grace. If you are having strong feelings about what a student did yesterday or the day before, that needs to be resolved so you can move forward in a positive way. Some people are always focused on the past. They complain about how kids these days aren't as respectful or as responsible as they used to be. But that type of thinking isn't helpful at all. 

When we are future-focused, we expect students to take responsibility for what they've done, admit how their actions were harmful, and then commit to show up in better, more productive ways in the future. 

3. Set high expectations and hold to them.

One of the most important things successful teachers do is clearly communicate expectations. That can be hard to do. It requires consistently reflecting on what's working and what's not working and then having conversations with your class about what needs to be different and why. When students understand your expectations and understand you will address deviation from the expectations, they will begin to take you seriously. I think sometimes teachers think they've communicated expectations and then just become frustrated when students don't comply. When expectations aren't met, circle back and teach the behaviors you're looking for to create the best classroom culture. I've noticed the most effective teachers work hard to set clear boundaries and expectations.

4. Design the most engaging lessons possible.

When your lessons are more engaging, your students will be focused on learning. And when they are focused on learning, there will be less problem behaviors you'll have to deal with. So be proactive and develop learning experiences that cause students to be active learners. I wrote a post on making learning irresistible. Check it out.

5. Handle private matters privately.

The older the student, the more important this one becomes. It goes back to #1. If a student feels you are being publicly critical, they are probably going to feel disrespected and the relationship will suffer. It's certainly okay to give instructions or make a request publicly, but if you are dealing with a conflict or a correction, it's better to do it as privately as possible. 

Some of my biggest failures as a teacher and principal happened when I allowed a conflict to have an audience. I wanted to resolve an issue immediately, but that isn't always necessary. The best teachers resolve the issue when the timing is right. We never want to paint a kid into a corner when emotions are running high.

It may seem obvious, but never complain about a student who isn't present. Even if what you say is true, I promise it's not helpful or even fair to share your feelings with others.

6. Be active all around your classroom.

Smaller problems can turn into larger problems when teachers aren't making the rounds in the classroom. You were probably taught about how great teachers have with-it-ness in your college classes—meaning they have a keen awareness of what is happening in the classroom and how it is impacting learning. Some teachers tend to stay at the front of the room or near their desk. But great teachers are observing and interacting with students all around the room. It helps to make sure things are headed in a positive direction.

7. Be intentional about building strong relationships with your students.

If this list were in any particular order, this one would need to be #1. The foundation of leadership for any educator is a consistent investment in building relationships. So how do you do that? Greet students at the door, call them by their name, give high-fives and fist-bumps, get to know their interests, give an encouraging word, attend one of their activities or games, ask them how they're doing. And never, never give up on them. When students see you care about them as people first, it will result in them being better students also.

Question: What are your best tips for dealing with problem behaviors? I'd love for you to expand on these ideas. Leave a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

7 Reasons 'Classroom Leadership' Is Better Than 'Classroom Management' {Infographic}





There are a number of visuals like the one above that illustrate some distinctions between a boss and a leader. I bet you can think of a specific person who characterizes the boss list. This type of person tends to make big impression. You can probably also think of someone who exhibits the leader qualities. You probably admire that person. Of course, these are illustrations intended for the workplace, not the classroom.

Clearly, they are relevant to school administrators, but I'm also thinking they can be applied to classroom leaders as well, aka teachers. In fact, they can apply to anyone charged with leading people and charged with getting something done.

Here's another. This one is similar but contrasting management vs. leadership.










Source: Verma and Wideman (1994)

Most everyone would agree leadership is a top priority in moving any group of people toward a desired outcome or goal. But in education we use the term classroom management frequently to refer to how teachers get things done in the classroom. Some educators actually reject the term. They would say you manage things (grading papers) and you lead people (students). 

But I'm not overly concerned about using the term classroom management as long as we can work from a shared understanding of the meaning. To me, it's all about the things we do to create a positive and productive learning culture in the classroom.

But that will never happen just by managing. If we rely on the lists in the left columns without having the necessary leadership qualities, we are doomed to failure. Sure, some students will still learn, but the overall classroom learning culture will not thrive. And there will be little passion or inspiration for learning.

But on the other hand, if we don't also establish some 'management' qualities to go with leadership, we may have great ideas and willing students but a lack of specific steps to achieve the goal.

Although several items from each column have value in context, I would always choose leaders over managers. Most everyone leans one way or another.

In fact, most every problem that persists in the classroom is at its root a leadership issue. That is not to blame the 'leader' but to say that if an ongoing problem is to be overcome it will usually happen by good leadership and not through better management.

Here are 7 Reasons 'Classroom Leadership' Is Better Than 'Classroom Management.'

1. Establishing a Vision for Learning

Leaders create a vision for learning. They communicate why the learning is important. Better yet, they help followers (students) unpack for themselves how and why the learning is important. When there is a clear vision, students will be empowered to move toward aims without having to be pushed there forcefully.

How are you clarifying a vision of learning for your students?

2. Building Strong Relationships 

Building positive relationships is essential to establishing a positive classroom learning culture. Leaders develop a 'we' feeling with students. Students feel safe, connected, like they belong. Every student feels like they are valued. The leader doesn't use fear as a motivator. Instead, they rely on relationship building to correct and guide.

How can you commit to building stronger relationships with your students?

3. Generating Enthusiasm

Leaders are inspiring and energizing. They have passion for what they are doing and it's contagious. They encourage others to come along on the learning journey. Managers don't think about the energy they bring. They rely more on structure and organization to be efficient. Efficiency is more important than passion to the manager. 

What are ways you show enthusiasm not only for your subject but also for your students?

4. Building Trust 

When trust is lost, it does incredible damage. A leader is careful to ensure students don't feel disrespected, overlooked, or misunderstood. When things go wrong, leaders help to shoulder blame. And when things go right, they are willing to share the credit. Leaders are quick to forgive. And work to repair a relationship that is hurting.

Will you protect the dignity of each child in your classroom?

5. Honest and Clear Communication

Even if you establish great, trusting relationships with students, you won't have a strong learning culture unless you are communicating effectively. Sometimes this includes delivering hard truth to students. Sometimes it means standing firm. Setting boundaries. Giving consequences. However, consequences are never as effective as communication for establishing a positive change.

Are you consistently communicating with students and clarifying the classroom norms and expectations?


6. Leading By Example

Managers don't feel the need to set an example. They view their role as making sure the kids are doing what they're supposed to, but don't look at their own actions. Leaders have high expectations for themselves. They start with the person in the mirror. They model the types of behaviors and mindsets they want to see in others.


How are you modeling the values you want to establish in your classroom?

7. Being Proactive vs. Reactive

Managers react. Leaders prevent. Managers focus on what just happened. Leaders focus on what will happen next. An effective leader anticipates the needs of followers and works to stay in front of problems. 

In what ways are being proactive in building a learning culture rather than being reactive when the culture goes off the tracks?

Question: What are your thoughts on building a learning culture in your classroom or school? What would you add to the thinking I've shared? I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or share on Facebook or Twitter.


Thursday, November 10, 2016

Are You Showing Up Well For Your Students?


I wrote a post recently with ideas for creating school environments that are supportive and help students "show up well" and ready to learn. A positive school and classroom culture can help overcome some of the negatives in a student's life that may be impacting their emotional and educational well-being.

In the post, I also mentioned that adults who work in schools must also work at "showing up well." We have to take care of ourselves and each other to have the type of supportive environment that we all need.

Teaching is stressful. In fact, teaching seems to be among the most stressful professions in America. A 2014 Gallup Poll found that nearly half of all teachers reported high levels of stress from the previous day. It was the most stressful profession in the study, slightly ahead of doctors and nurses in terms of reported stress.


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Stress takes a significant toll on the individual, but it certainly impacts our effectiveness as educators, too. If teachers are feeling high levels of stress or are otherwise emotionally drained, it is not possible to show up well and meet the needs of students.

So why are teachers feeling so stressed? There are a variety of factors. Heavy workloads, challenging student behaviors, lack of autonomy and voice, and high stakes assessments might be a few reasons. Some of the factors are completely out of the control of educators. And some of the factors are just inherent in working with kids. It's awesome to work with kids, but stressful at the same time.


There is an important truth in this quote from Salome Thomas-El. We can't always control the weight of our load. We have to look for ways to find the strength we need to show up well and be our very best. Our #KidsDeserveIt!!!

If you are struggling to show up well in your classroom, it can result in anger, resentment, frustration, depression, and other hurtful emotions. Actually, these emotions will probably show up from your students, too. As educators, what we model is typically what we get. 

Here are some ideas on resilience for teachers and taking care of your own mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. I'm not great at all of these, that's for sure. But I recognize their importance and how they help me to be my best when I do have success in these areas.

1. Focus on your purpose and the meaning in your work.

A recent Edutopia article explained how stress in itself is not necessarily bad. Stress tends to be negative when it doesn't seem like it is meaningful. I'm reminded of the pain mothers endure in child birth, and yet it is worth it (so I am told) because of the miraculous value of bringing a child into the world and being a mother. In fact, moms often willingly do it all over again. The deep meaning of the experience must make it worth the pain.

2. Recognize you are making a difference.

This letter posted by Danny Steele on his blog really captures the commitment and dedication of teachers. You are making a difference. 

3. Build a support system at work.

We need people at work who believe in us and who inspire us. Surround yourself with people who energize you. Stay away from energy vampires, who might suck the life out of your day.



4. Develop a support system away from work.

Beyond work, we also need healthy relationships that strengthen us. It's tough to do life alone, and we all need to rely on others. If you are struggling to find your support system, try to be that person for someone else. Giving to others is a great way to find people who can also lift you up.

5. Learn to say no.

Focus on the things that are most essential to your mission and purpose. Being busy isn't a happiness killer in itself. But when you are too busy doing things that you aren't even passionate about, that's a sure recipe for burnout.

6. Make spiritual wellness a top priority.

My spiritual life is important to me. I need to nurture my relationship with God and rely on him for guidance if I'm going to show up well and be my best for my students. 

7. Relieve stress by exercising.

When I feel stress or anxiety building throughout the week, a long run does wonders to help me relax. There are so many bad habits we can turn to as a stress reliever. But exercise is good for you and helps ease the stress.

8. Eat well.

I really struggle to eat well. I love fast food, pizza, and ice cream. But when I am eating too much of the wrong stuff, I can tell it impacts my ability to be my best overall.

9. Set boundaries.

Healthy people don't let others run over them. They set boundaries and they communicate their thoughts and feelings to others. A lack of boundaries will eventually lead to simmering resentment or angry outbursts. Ask for what you want. But also listen to others and respect their boundaries. 

10. Practice being grateful.

Gratitude is one of the most powerful things you can do for your emotional health. Be honest with yourself about your struggles, but also be always grateful. There are blessings in each day and even our difficult circumstances have the power to make us better if we choose to grow.

11. Forgive yourself and others.

Let go of things that are in the past. Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. As educators, we have to be willing to forgive. Bitterness is a heavy burden to carry.


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12. Remain always hopeful.

If you're like me, you don't want anything to feel like it's out of your control. You desire a sense of security and predictability. But life doesn't work that way, and the only way to have peace is to give up on worry and live in the present moment. Our worries tend to live in the past or in the future. Hope is believing good things are possible and headed our way. In the mean time, we must live in the current moment.

13. Have fun!!! Enjoy the journey.

Last Friday, I had a lip sync battle at lunch with one of our other teachers. It was for a good cause. We were raising money for Care to Learn, a charity that helps students in need. But it also helps me to not take myself too seriously. I like to joke around and make laughter a part of each day.


14. Keep learning and growing.

Whatever problem you may be facing, you have the power to do something if you are willing to learn and keep growing. I don't feel as stressed when I feel like I can learn from my difficulties. I view challenges as opportunities for growth, instead of stress inducing burdens.

15. Take risks.

One of the biggest regrets people have is playing it too safe. If you really want to get the most out of life you have to be bold and take risks. 



Question: How are you working to "show up well" for your students? How are you managing stress as an educator? I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

How to Have Unshakable Confidence in the Classroom



Sometimes it's really tough to be confident in the classroom. 

Especially if you're a brand new teacher? You've never done this before. You don't have a history of successes to prove to yourself that you can be good at this.

Or what if you're not a new teacher, but you have that class. You know the one. Every second feels like a struggle to maintain control. I remember having nightmares, literally, about one of my classes. It was 7th period during my second year teaching. Those students learned very little. Neither did I. I was just trying to survive. My confidence was shaken.

How can you be confident when a student, colleague, or even your principal makes a comment filled with doubt about your ability to teach? You feel completely inadequate and begin to question if you're even meant to do this.

And when it comes to confidence, it might seem like the rich get richer and poor get poorer. Success builds upon success, right? A lack of confidence results in all sorts of classroom practices that aren't helpful. You try to be the cool teacher. You fail to set boundaries. You lash out in anger. It even extends beyond the classroom. You're short tempered with your loved ones. You feel overwhelmed. You don't want to get out of bed in the morning. Lack of confidence tends to manifest itself in all sorts of harmful ways.

And then, when things go wrong as a result of your decisions, your confidence is shaken even further. You make even more poor decisions. And the cycle continues.

You need to be confident to be successful in the classroom. But you need success to help you feel confident in the classroom. It's a terrible Catch 22.

But let's look at this more carefully. Maybe it doesn't really work this way. Maybe our confidence doesn't have to be based on our success or lack of success.

The Truth About Confidence

1. Just because you have success in your classroom doesn't guarantee you will be confident. You probably know a teacher who all the kids love, who has amazing lessons, and who is respected by all her colleagues, and yet she still seems to lack confidence. And conversely, you've probably known teachers that weren't very successful and still seemed to be confident, even though they really didn't have much to be confident about. What the heck!?!

Could it be that confidence isn't determined by the external success you have as a teacher? Is it possible that confidence is actually more about our perception of ourselves regardless of any external results?

2. And since our confidence doesn't have to be dependent on any external reality, perhaps improving our external results won't guarantee an increase in confidence. Just because you have a better class, or get a compliment from your principal, or feel liked by your students, doesn't guarantee you'll be more confident.

You've probably experienced this before as an educator. You've received compliments, gotten recognition, or taught a killer lesson but still didn't feel more confident. If we don't have that internal confidence, we just write off our success to chance or give someone else the credit.

3. Confidence is a way of feeling. It seems we're all born with it. Ever see a toddler who wasn't confident? Somewhere along the way we start to lose it. It's based on our sense of selfhow we see ourselves. For a teacher, confidence is the belief that you have everything you need to be successful with your students. It's the feeling that you are fully equipped to be successful now and in the future. A teacher without confidence feels that they lack the knowledge, skill, or personality, etc. to be successful in the classroom. It can drive all sorts of behaviors that are not helpful.

One solution is to just convince yourself that you have everything you need to be successful. You just tell yourself you lack nothing. If you say it enough times, maybe you'll start to believe it. 

While some positive self-talk can be useful, it's not helpful to just pretend we don't have weaknesses. In other words, acting confident can lead to increased confidence. Fake it till you make it. But it doesn't work to ignore areas where you need to improve. You have to honestly self-reflect to grow and reach your potential.

So what is the answer to find peace and confidence in the classroom? It's not to pretend you don't have any weaknesses. Or act like you have everything you need. The answer is to recognize what you lack, but to accept and be comfortable with the ways in which you don't measure up.

You may not have good classroom management...yet.

Your students may not be motivated or engaged...yet.

Your relationships with some of your students may not be great...yet.

You may not have great technology skills...yet.

You might not be very organized...yet.



But if you can be comfortable with who you are right now, in spite of what you lack, then you can continue to grow and press forward. That's what it means to embrace failure. It's not that we are happy to fail. We just see our failures as part of a process of growing. When we embrace our failures it allows us the freedom to take risks, to fully engage without fear, and to care about our students unconditionally. You don't have to worry about the judgment of others.

So lean in to your shortcomings. When you start to feel sad, alone, or insufficient because of a failure in the classroom, remind yourself of the opportunity to grow and learn. No one has it all figured out. To be confident, we have to believe the best about ourselves in the moment and use our failures to our advantage.

Question: How will you grow your confidence as an educator? I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on Twitter or Facebook.